The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever - by Michael Bungay Stanier

Date read: 2019-06-09
How strongly I recommend it: 9/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)

Go to the Amazon page for details and reviews.

Short and concise, this book has 7 leading questions to better coach and develop your employees. Highly recommended for new leaders and good reminder for experienced leaders.

My Notes

A little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do.

To build an effective new habit, you need five essential components: a reason, a trigger, a micro-habit, effective practice, and a plan.

So think less about what your habit can do for you, and more about how this new habit will help a person or people you care about.

If you don't know what triggers the old behaviour, you'll never change it because you'll already be doing it before you know it.

INSTEAD OF... Adding another question. And then maybe another question, and then another, because after all, they're all good questions and I'm really curious as to what their answers are...

I WILL... Ask just one question. (And then be quiet while I wait for the answer.)

Stick to questions starting with "What" and avoid questions starting with "Why."

WHEN THIS HAPPENS... When I'm tempted to ask them why...

INSTEAD OF... Beginning the question with "Why... "

I WILL... Reframe the question so it starts with "What." So, as some examples, instead of "Why did you do that?" ask "What were you hoping for here?" Instead of "Why did you think this was a good idea?" ask "What made you choose this course of action?" Instead of "Why are you bothering with this?" ask "What's important for you here?"

George Bernard Shaw put it succinctly when he said, "The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

QUESTION #1: WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
Also known as the Kickstart Question.

An almost fail-safe way to start a chat that quickly turns into a real conversation is the question, "What's on your mind?"

Coaching for performance is about addressing and fixing a specific problem or challenge. It's putting out the fire or building up the fire or banking the fire. It's everyday stuff, and it's important and necessary. Coaching for development is about turning the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue, the person who's managing the fire.

"What's on your mind?" you ask. "The [insert name of thing they're working on]," they say. "So there are three different facets of that we could look at," you offer. "The project side-any challenges around the actual content. The people side-any issues with team members/colleagues/other departments/bosses/customers/clients. And patterns-if there's a way that you're getting in your own way, and not showing up in the best possible way. Where should we start?"

QUESTION #2: AND WHAT ELSE?
Also known as the AWE Question.

I know they seem innocuous. Three little words. But "And What Else?"-the AWE Question-has magical properties. With seemingly no effort, it creates more-more wisdom, more insights, more self-awareness, more possibilities-out of thin air.

When you start your weekly check-in meeting by asking, "What's important right now?" keep the pressure on by asking, "And what else?"

"Have you thought of...?" "What about...?" "Did you consider...?" Stop offering up advice with a question mark attached. That doesn't count as asking a question.

QUESTION #3: WHAT'S THE REAL CHALLENGE HERE FOR YOU?
Also known as the Focus Question.

When people start talking to you about the challenge at hand, what's essential to remember is that what they're laying out for you is rarely the actual problem. And when you start jumping in to fix things, things go off the rails in three ways: you work on the wrong problem; you do the work your team should be doing; and the work doesn't get done.

"If you had to pick one of these to focus on, which one here would be the real challenge for you?"

Bring the focus back to the person you're talking to. Acknowledge what's going on, and ask the Focus Question. It will sound something like this: "I think I understand some of what's going on with [insert name of the person or the situation]. What's the real challenge here for you?"

So the trigger could be when your team is discussing a challenge or a project and the conversation has already moved to solutions, or when someone on your team is wrestling with a problem but you're not really sure if he knows what the challenge is, or when you're feeling scared or anxious or uncertain about a challenge you're facing.

Adding "for you" to a question helps people figure out the answers faster and more accurately.

QUESTION #4: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Also known as the Foundation Question.

Bite your tongue, and don't fill the silence.

WHEN THIS HAPPENS... When I've asked a question and she doesn't have an answer ready within the first two seconds...

INSTEAD OF... Filling up the space with another question or the same question just asked a new way or a suggestion or just pointless words...

I WILL... Take a breath, stay open and keep quiet for another three seconds.

QUESTION #5: HOW CAN I HELP?
Also known as the Lazy Question.

WHEN THIS HAPPENS... Someone gives you a call/drops by your cubicle/shouts out across the office/sends you a text message and asks, "How do I [insert query most likely to sucker you in]?"

INSTEAD OF... Giving her the answer...

I WILL... Say, "That's a great question. I've got some ideas, which I'll share with you. But before I do, what are your first thoughts?" And when she answers, which she will, you'll nod your head and be engaged and interested, and when she finishes, say, "That's terrific. What else could you do?" More nodding, more being interested. Then say, "This is all good. Is there anything else you could try here?" And then, and only then, you can add your own idea into the mix if you wish. And of course, if the conversation is going well, keep asking "And what else?" until she has run out of ideas.

QUESTION #6: IF YOU'RE SAYING YES TO THIS, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING NO TO?
Also known as the Strategic Question.

"The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do."

Saying Yes more slowly means being willing to stay curious before committing. Which means asking more questions: Why are you asking me? Whom else have you asked? When you say this is urgent, what do you mean? According to what standard does this need to be completed? By when? If I couldn't do all of this, but could do just a part, what part would you have me do? What do you want me to take off my plate so I can do this?

Say Yes to the person, but say No to the task.

WHEN THIS HAPPENS... The person gives an answer to a question I've asked...

INSTEAD OF... Rushing on to the next question...

I WILL... Acknowledge the reply by saying, "Yes, that's good."

QUESTION #7: WHAT WAS MOST USEFUL FOR YOU?
Also known as the Learning Question.

People don't really learn when you tell them something. They don't even really learn when they do something. They start learning, start creating new neural pathways, only when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what just happened.

This is why, in a nutshell, advice is overrated. I can tell you something, and it's got a limited chance of making its way into your brain's hippocampus, the region that encodes memory. If I can ask you a question and you generate the answer yourself, the odds increase substantially.

One option is to ask the question at the start of the team meeting or the regularly scheduled one-on-one. "What have you learned since we last met?"

WHEN THIS HAPPENS... When I get an email that triggers the Advice Monster...

INSTEAD OF... Writing out a long, thorough answer full of possible solutions, approaches and ideas, or even a short, terse answer with a single command...

I WILL... Decide which one of the seven questions would be most appropriate, and ask that question by email. It could sound like: "Wow, there's a lot going on here. What's the real challenge here for you, do you think?" "I've scanned your email. In a sentence or two, what do you want?" "Before I jump into a longer reply, let me ask you: What's the real challenge here for you?"

Contents:

My Notes