Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High - by Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny
Date read: 2016-09-14How strongly I recommend it: 8/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
Go to the Amazon page for details and reviews.
Teaches you how to identify, prep and conduct crucial conversations in both personal and professional settings.
Contents:
- START WITH THE HEART
- LEARN TO LOOK
- MAKE IT SAFE
- CONTRASTING
- MUTUAL PURPOSE
- MASTER MY STORIES
- STATE MY PATH
- EXPLORE OTHER'S PATHS
- MOVE TO ACTION
My Notes
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." -George Bernard Shaw
Dialogue - find a way to get all relevant information (from themeselves and others) out into the open.
Pool of Shared Meaning - people who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool - even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.
The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.
Fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us. The best way to work on "us" is to start with "me."
As much as others may need to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape is the person in the mirror.
Skilled people begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens. They're steeply eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want.
When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.
Don't make a Fool's Choice - choosing between either/or choices. To avoid this:
Dialogue killers include:
Examine your motives. Go in asking yourself what you really want.
Ask yourself: "What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motives?"
When you name the game, you can stop playing it.
Ask these questions when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue:
How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Watch the content of the conversation (the "what") along with the conditions (the "why").
To spot crucial conversations:
When it's safe, you can say anything.
People become defensive when they no longer feel safe. You start to go blind.
The 3 most common forms of silence are:
The 3 most common forms of violence are:
Step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in.
Conditions of safety include:
Mutual Purpose - others perceive that you're working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values.
Signs of mutual purpose at risk: we end up in debate, defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, and circling back to the same topic.
Ask yourself:
Mutual Respect - the continuance condition of dialogue.
Respect is like air, as long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about.
Signs of mutual respect at risk: pouting, name-calling and yelling.
Instead of focusing how we are different from others, look for ways you are similar.
When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it's easier to find a way to respect others.
Apologize when you've made a mistake that has hurt others. Start with an apology.
When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting (don't/do satement) that addresses others' concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don't part). It also confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part). For example:
[The don't part] "The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don't value the work you put in or that I don't want to share it with the VP.
[The do part] I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular."
Contrasting is not apologizing. It's ensuring that what we said didn't hurt more than it should have.
When we're aware that something we're about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety.
Use the acronym CRIB: Commit, Recognize, Invent, Brainstorm:
Others don't make you mad. You make you mad.
When it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.
If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our crucial conversations.
To fix your story telling process, retrace your path to action:
[Act] Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
[Feel] Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
[Tell story] Analyze your stores. What story is creating these emotions?
[See/hear] Get back to the facts. What evidence do I have to support this story?
It's important to get in touch with your feelings, and to do so, you may want to expand your emotional vocabulary.
Don't confuse stories with facts by focusing on behavior. Can you see or hear this thing you're calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior?
Spot the story by watching for "hot" words (aka judgemental words).
Victim Stories make us out to be innocent sufferers, when we make a mistake claiming our intentions were innocent and pure.
We tell Villian Stories when others do things that hurt or inconvenience us, where we invent terrible motives or exaggerate flaws for others based on how their actions affected us.
Helpless Stories - "There's nothing else I can do."
A useful story creates emotions that lead to healthy action - such as dialogue.
Turn victims into actors: Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
Turn villians into humans: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
Turn the helpless into the able: What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
Have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it.
Be humble enough to realize that you don't have a monopoly on the truth nor do you always have to win their way.
Use STATE to help you talk about sensitive topics:
When you find yourself just dying to convince others that your way is best, back off your current attack and think about what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship. Ask yourself, "How would I behave if these were the results I really wanted?"
Be sincere - when you do invite people to share their views, you must mean it.
When most people become furious, we need to become curious by asking: "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?"
Power listening tool: AMPP: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime
If you still disagree, remember your ABCs: Agree, Build, Compare.
Separate dialogue from decision making. Make it clear how decisions will be made - who will be involved and why.
Deciding what decisions to turn over and when to do it is part of their stewardship.
When the line of authority isn't clear, use your best dialogue skills to get meaning into the pool. Jointly decide how to decide.
Four methods of decision making are: Command, Consult, Vote, Consensus.
How do you choose? Ask these questions:
After the decision is made, to execute, ask: Who? Does what? By when? How will you follow up?