Emotional Intelligence 2.0 - By Travis Bradberry
Date read: 2017-04-30How strongly I recommend it: 9/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
Go to the Amazon page for details and reviews.
EI isn't just empathy. Great book on the value tha EI brings with tips on how to improve your EI in a multitude of areas.
Contents:
- UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS AND EQ
- EI SKILLS
- SELF-AWARENESS STRATEGIES
- SELF-MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
- SOCIAL AWARENESS STRATEGIES
- RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
My Notes
The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to the human condition because our brains are hard-wired to give emotions the upper hand.
The communication between your emotional and rational “brains” is the physical source of emotional intelligence.
People with the highest levels of intelligence (IQ) outperform those with average IQs just 20% of the time, while people with average IQs outperform those with high IQs 70% of the time.
Only 36 percent of the people we tested are able to accurately identify their emotions as they happen.
All emotions are derivations of five core feelings: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and shame.
Emotional Hijacking: the more intense your emotions are, the greater the likelihood that they will dictate your actions.
Since our brains are wired to make us emotional creatures, your first reaction to an event is always going to be an emotional one. But you do control the thoughts that follow an emotion, and you have a great deal of say in how you react to an emotion — as long as you are aware of it.
When something generates a prolonged emotional reaction in you, it’s called a “trigger event.”
Your reaction to your triggers is shaped by your personal history, which includes your experience with similar situations.
Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.
EQ, unlike IQ, is a flexible skill that can be learned.
Those with the highest EQ scores within any position outperform their peers.
CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace. Too many leaders are promoted because of what they know or how long they have worked, rather than for their skill in managing others. Once they reach the top, they actually spend less time interacting with staff.
Personality is the final piece in the puzzle. It’s the stable “style” that defines each of us.
EQ is so critical to success that it accounts for 58 percent of performance in all types of jobs. It’s the single biggest predictor of performance in the workplace and the strongest driver of leadership and personal excellence.
The link between EQ and earnings is so direct that every point increase in EQ adds $1,300 to an annual salary.
The four emotional intelligence skills pair up under two primary competencies: personal competence and social competence. Personal competence is made up of your self-awareness and self-management skills, which focus more on you individually than on your interactions with other people. Personal competence is your ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior and tendencies. Social competence is made up of your social awareness and relationship management skills; social competence is your ability to understand other people’s moods, behavior and motives in order to improve the quality of your relationships.
Self-awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand your tendencies across situations. Self-awareness includes staying on top of your typical reactions to specific events, challenges, and people. A keen understanding of your tendencies is important; it helps you quickly make sense of your emotions. A high degree of self-awareness requires a willingness to tolerate the discomfort of focusing on feelings that may be negative.
People high in self-awareness are remarkably clear in their understanding of what they do well, what motivates and satisfies them, and which people and situations push their buttons.
Self-management is your ability to use your awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively.
Real results come from putting your momentary needs on hold to pursue larger, more important goals.
Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. This often means perceiving what other people are thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way.
Listening and observing are the most important elements of social awareness. To listen well and observe what’s going on around us, we have to stop doing many things we like to do. We have to stop talking, stop the monologue that may be running through our minds, stop anticipating the point the other person is about to make, and stop thinking ahead to what we are going to say next.
Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully.
Quit Treating Your Feelings as Good or Bad - Judging your emotions keeps you from really understanding what it is that you are feeling. Suspending judgment of emotions allows them to run their course and vanish.
Observe the Ripple Effect from Your Emotions - The key to observing the ripple effects of your emotions is to watch closely how they impact other people immediately, and then use that information as a guide for how your emotions are bound to affect a wider circle long after you unleash the emotion.
Lean into Your Discomfort - Rather than avoiding a feeling, your goal should be to move toward the emotion, into it, and eventually through it.
Feel Your Emotions Physically - Because your mind and body are so tightly connected, one of the most effective ways to understand your emotions as they are happening is to learn how to spot the physical changes that accompany your emotions. Take note of the physical changes that accompany the feelings. Do they make your breathing or heart rate change? Do your muscles grow tense? Do you feel hotter or colder?
Know Who and What Pushes Your Buttons - Having a clear understanding of who and what pushes your buttons makes these people and situations a bit less difficult because they come as less of a surprise. Knowing why your buttons are what they are opens doors to managing your reactions to your triggers.
Watch Yourself Like a Hawk - You can practice by taking notice of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors right as the situation unfolds. In essence, the goal is to slow yourself down and take in all that is in front of you, allowing your brain to process all available information before you act.
Keep a Journal about Your Emotions - In just a month, you’ll begin to see patterns in your emotions, and you’ll develop a better understanding of your tendencies. The biggest challenge to developing self-awareness is objectivity.
Don’t Be Fooled by a Bad Mood - Admit to yourself that your bad mood is hanging a cloud over everything you see, and remind yourself that your moods are not permanent. When you’re stuck in a down mood, it’s not a good time to make important decisions.
Don’t Be Fooled by a Good Mood, Either - When you are feeling excited and really happy, it’s easy to do something that you’ll regret.
Stop and Ask Yourself Why You Do the Things You Do - Get in the habit of stopping to ask yourself why surprising emotions rumbled to the surface and what motivated you to do something out of character. With a little practice, you can trace your emotional reactions back to their origins and understand the purpose of your emotions.
Visit Your Values - Take the time to check in with yourself and jot down your core beliefs and values. Ask yourself, what are the values that I wish to live my life by?
Check Yourself - It’s important to notice your mood and consider its influence upon your demeanor. Is the look that you are projecting to the world one that you have chosen, one that your mood created, or one that you tend to lean on by default?
Spot Your Emotions in Books, Movies, and Music - Looking outside yourself at the movies, music, and books that you identify with. Finding your emotions in the expressions of artists allows you to learn about yourself and discover feelings that are often hard to communicate.
Seek Feedback - Open yourself up to feedback from others, which can include friends, coworkers, mentors, supervisors, and family. When you ask for their feedback, be sure to get specific examples and situations, and as you gather the answers, look for similarities in the information.
Get to Know Yourself under Stress - Learning to recognize your first signs of stress. Your self-awareness in times of stress should serve as your third ear to listen to your body’s cries for help.
Breathe Right - The next time you are in a stressful or emotional situation, focus on taking slow deep breaths, inhaling through your nose until you can feel your stomach swell outward and grow tight, and then exhaling gently and completely through your mouth. As you exhale, go ahead and push that breath out until you have completely emptied your lungs.
Create an Emotion vs. Reason List - Draw a straight line down the middle of a page to make two columns. In the left column write what your emotions are telling you to do, and in the right column what your reason is telling you to do. Now, ask yourself two important questions: Where are your emotions clouding your judgment, and where is your reason ignoring important cues from your emotions.
Make Your Goals Public - Much of self-management comes down to motivation, and you can use the expectations that other people have of you as a powerful force to get you up off the proverbial couch.
Count to Ten - When you feel yourself getting frustrated or angry, stop yourself by taking in a deep breath and saying the number one to yourself as you exhale. Keep breathing and counting until you reach the number ten. Even if you don’t make it to double digits, you’ll stop the flow of frustration and anger long enough to cool down your overheated limbic system and give your rational brain some valuable time to catch up.
Sleep On It - Giving yourself that extra day, week, or month to digest the situation before moving forward is all you need to stay in control.
Talk To a Skilled Self-Manager - Offer to take your self-management whiz out for lunch or coffee, explain that you are seeking improvement in this skill, and ask him or her to review the self-management section of this book before the meeting. During the meeting share your specific goals for improved self-management, and ask what tactics he or she relies on to self-manage so well. Be sure to share the emotions and situations that give you the most trouble.
Smile and Laugh More - When you’re stuck on a frustrating or distressing thought, forcing yourself to smile counteracts the negative emotional state.
Set Aside Some Time in Your Day for Problem Solving - A 15-minute period each day where you turn off your phone, walk away from your computer, and take time to just think, is a great way to ensure your decisions aren’t muddled by your emotions.
Take Control of Your Self-Talk - Turn I always or I never into just this time or sometimes. Replace judgmental statements like I’m an idiot with factual ones like I made a mistake. Accept responsibility for your actions and no one else’s.
Visualize Yourself Succeeding - A great time to visualize is before you go to bed at night. Just close your eyes and visualize yourself in situations where you have the most difficulty managing yourself. Focus on the details of each situation that make it so hard for you to remain in control; concentrate on the sights and sounds you would experience if you were actually there until you literally feel the same emotions. Next, picture yourself acting the way you’d like to (i.e. calming your nerves and proceeding confidently during a big presentation, dealing with someone who pushes your buttons without losing your cool, etc.). Imagine yourself doing and saying the right things and allow yourself to feel the satisfaction and positive emotions that come from this.
Clean Up Your Sleep Hygiene - Get twenty minutes of morning sunlight. Turn off the computer at least two hours before bedtime. Keep your bed for sleeping. Avoid caffeine, especially in the p.m.
Focus Your Attention on Your Freedoms, Rather than Your Limitations.
Stay Synchronized - Synchrony—body language that matches the emotions being expressed.
Speak to Someone Who is Not Emotionally Invested in Your Problem - The people you invite to help you shouldn’t have a vested interest in the situation. You should also avoid someone you know will simply agree with you.
Learn a Valuable Lesson from Everyone You Encounter - The next time you find yourself caught off-guard and on the defensive, embrace this opportunity to learn something.
Put a Mental Recharge into Your Schedule - Yoga, massage, gardening or a stroll through the park.
Accept That Change is Just Around the Corner - Admit to yourself that even the most stable, trusted facets of your life are not completely under your control. Set aside a small amount of time either every week or every other week to create a list of important changes that you think could possibly happen.
Be Open and Be Curious - Being open means sharing information about yourself with others. When people know about you, there’s less room for them to misinterpret you. The more you show interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not misinterpreting them. Be inquisitive in your tone — similar to how Santa Claus asks a child what he’d like for Christmas.
Enhance Your Natural Communication Style - At the top of a page in a journal, describe what your natural style is. On the left side of the paper, jot down the upsides of your natural style. On the right side, list the downsides or things that have created confusion, weird reactions, or trouble. Choose three upsides that you can use more to improve your communication. Next, choose three downsides, and think about ways you can either eliminate, downplay, or improve them.
Avoid Giving Mixed Signals - When you talk with someone, you may be saying one thing that’s on your mind as your body reacts to an emotion you experienced minutes ago. People trust what they see over what they hear.
Remember the Little Things That Pack a Punch - Think about how often you really say “thank you,” “please,” or “I’m sorry” when it is needed. Begin to make a habit of incorporating more of these phrases into your relationships.
Take Feedback Well - As you receive feedback, turn on your social awareness skills to listen and really hear what is being said. Ask clarifying questions and ask for examples to better understand the person’s perspective. Whether you agree with what was said or not, thank the person for his or her willingness to share, because it takes almost as much grace to give feedback as it does to receive it. After you receive the feedback, use your self-management skills to decide your next steps; don’t feel pressured to rush into action. Time can help you absorb the underlying point, sort out your feelings and thoughts, and help you to decide what to do about the feedback.
Build Trust - To build trust, use your self-awareness and self-management skills to be the first to lay some of yourself on the line and share something about you.
Have an “Open-door” Policy - A true open-door policy allows any employee to talk to anyone at any level, fostering upward communication through direct and easy access to everyone below.
Only Get Mad on Purpose - Expressing anger in appropriate ways communicates your strong feelings and reminds people of the gravity of a situation. Expressing anger too much or at the wrong times desensitizes people to what you are feeling, making it hard for others to take you seriously.
Don’t Avoid the Inevitable
Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings - One key to managing relationships is leaning into your own discomfort and taking a moment to acknowledge, not stifle or change, other people’s feelings.
Complement the Person’s Emotions or Situation - The complementary response always says you recognize what the other person feels and you think it’s important. Your role is to notice their moods and to be there for your coworkers and family members in a helpful way.
When You Care, Show It - There are people who do great work around you every day. When you care, show it. Don’t hesitate or put it off until next week. Do something this week or even today. Things as simple as a greeting card or something else inexpensive, yet meaningful, that sums up how you feel are all you need to make an impact and strengthen a relationship.
Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them - Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it’s even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone.
Make Your Feedback Direct and Constructive - Giving feedback is a relationship-building event that requires all four EQ skills to be effective. At the end, ask the person for his or her thoughts, and thank the person for his or her willingness to consider your suggestions.
Align Your Intention with Your Impact - To align your words and actions with your intent, you need to use your social awareness and self-management skills to observe the situation and the people in it, think before you speak or act, and make an appropriate and sensitive response.
Offer a “Fix-it” Statement during a Broken Conversation - You need to let go of blame and focus on the repair. Do you want to be right, or do you want a resolution? Fix-it statements feel like a breath of fresh air, are neutral in tone, and find common ground. Saying, “This is hard,” or asking how the person is feeling.
Tackle a Tough Conversation:
Greet People by Name - Whatever the story is behind your name, it’s an essential part of your identity. It feels so good when people use your name and remember it. If a name sounds unusual to you, ask the person to spell it for you so you can picture the name written. This will help you remember it later. Be sure to use the person’s name at least twice during the conversation.
Watch Body Language - To get a complete read from a person, do a head-to-toe body language assessment. Start with the head and face. The eyes communicate more than any other part of the human anatomy. You can get a lot of information from them, but be careful not to stare. Next, look at the person’s smile. Is it authentic or forced? Researchers can tell the difference. They look for a crinkle of skin in the corner of the eyes, and if it is not there, the smile is probably fake. Once you’ve finished with the face, move to the shoulders, torso, and limbs. Are the shoulders slouched or held naturally upright? Are the arms, hands, legs, and feet calm or fidgety?
Make Timing Everything - To practice your timing as it relates to social awareness, start working on your timing with asking questions. The goal is to ask the right questions at the right time with the right frame of mind, all with your audience in mind. As you practice your timing, remember that the key to social awareness is focusing on others, instead of on yourself, so that you can be more effective.
Develop a Back-pocket Question - Back-pocket question is what you use just in case to bail you out of any awkward silence or uncomfortable moment.
Don’t Take Notes at Meetings - By having your head focused on your tablet and your hand scribbling away, you miss the critical clues that shed some major light on how others are feeling or what they may be thinking. If you need to take notes for practical purposes, temporarily stop at intervals to practice observation.
Plan Ahead for Social Gatherings - Planning ahead for an event can be your saving grace, whether the event’s a dinner party or a meeting for work. If you walk through the door with a plan, you free up your mental energy and brainpower so you can focus on the present moment.
Clear Away the Clutter - To clean up this internal clutter, there are some simple steps to follow. When you are in a conversation, don’t interrupt the other person until he or she is completely finished. Next, to squelch the voice that is planning your response, it’s important to catch yourself in the act; and when you do, stop yourself and clear away the clutter. Now refocus yourself on the person’s face and words. If you need to, physically lean toward the speaker to focus your body into the conversation. This awareness proves you’re making progress because, at one time, you didn’t realize this pattern existed. Remind yourself that you are in the conversation to listen and learn something, not to wow the other person with your insightful remarks.
Live in the Moment - Remember, planning the future and reflecting on the past are valuable exercises, but doing this throughout your day interferes with what is in front of you — your present.
Go on a 15-minute Tour - During any workday, take just 15 minutes to observe things you’ve never noticed before. Things to look for include the look and feel of people’s workspaces, the timing of when different people move around the office, and which people seek interaction versus those who stay at their desks all day. Notice what people may be feeling or how they make you feel when you drop by to talk briefly. Also observe the overall mood in the office or the school, patient care area, manufacturing floor—whatever your work area looks like. Focus intently on what you see, hear, and pick up on in other people. Schedule 15 minutes to tour your workplace twice a week for a month. On the days you tour, be sure to avoid making too many assumptions or conclusions—just simply observe.
Watch EQ at the Movies - This month, make it a point to watch two movies specifically to observe the character interactions, relationships, and conflicts. Look for body language clues to figure out how each character is feeling and observe how the characters handle the conflicts. As more information about the characters unfold, rewind and watch past moments to spot clues you may have missed the first time.
Practice the Art of Listening - when someone is talking to you, stop everything else and listen fully until the other person is finished speaking.
Go People Watching - People watching is a safe way for you to pick up on signals, observe interactions, and figure out underlying motivations or emotions without entering into the interaction yourself.
Understand the Rules of the Culture Game - The secret to winning this culture game is to treat others how they want to be treated, not how you would want to be treated. Listen and watch even more and for a longer period of time than you would with people from your own culture. Collect multiple observations and think before you jump to conclusions. Consider yourself new in town, and before you open your mouth and insert your foot, observe other people’s interactions. Look for similarities and differences between how you would play the game versus how others are playing it. Ask specific questions.
Test for Accuracy - The best way to test your accuracy is to simply ask if what you’re observing in people or situations is actually what’s occurring. Example: “It looks like you are feeling down about something. Did something happen?”
Step into Their Shoes - Ask yourself, If I were Jim, how would I respond to this question? To answer this, use your previous history with Jim to help you understand him: how he’s reacted in similar situations in the past, how he deals with being put on the spot, how he handles himself in groups and one-on-one. How did he act, and what did he say?
Seek the Whole Picture - Send a 360-degree survey that asks you and other people questions about your self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management skills.
Catch the Mood of the Room - Essentially, there are two ways to pick up the mood of an entire room. First, you can rely solely on your gut instincts. Emotions are contagious, meaning they spread from one or two people until there’s a palpable and collective mood that you will feel at some level. When you enter the room, scan it and notice whether you feel and see energy or quiet, subdued calm. Another way to read the mood of the room is to bring along a more experienced guide, much like you would on an African safari. Your guide should be a socially aware expert willing to show you the ropes when it comes to tapping into your instincts and picking up the room’s mood.