Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time - By Susan Scott
Date read: 2017-05-13How strongly I recommend it: 8/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
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It's not just about the conversation. It's also knowing which difficult conversations you're avoiding and how to identify them and manage the before, during, and after. Great book with addressing real issues in your life and being able to discuss them at work and at home and make them productive.
Contents:
- PRINCIPLE 1: MASTER THE COURAGE TO INTERROGATE REALITY
- PRINCIPLE 2: COME OUT FROM BEHIND YOURSELF INTO THE CONVERSATION AND MAKE IT REAL
- PRINCIPLE 3: BE HERE, PREPARED TO BE NOWHERE ELSE
- PRINCIPLE 4: TACKLE YOUR TOUGHEST CHALLENGE TODAY
- PRINCIPLE 5: OBEY YOUR INSTINCTS
- PRINCIPLE 6: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU EMOTIONAL WAKE
- PRINCIPLE 7: LET SILENCE DO THE HEAVY LIFTING
My Notes
The notion that our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time is at once commonsensical and revolutionary.
We believe that, in order to execute initiatives and deliver goals, leaders must have conversations that interrogate reality, provoke learning, tackle tough challenges and enrich relationships.
The conversation is the relationship.
A fierce conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.
All conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.
The issues in my life are rarely about you. They are almost always about me.
Ask, What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about today?
The world will not be managed. Life is curly. Don t try to straighten it out.
Most people want to hear the truth, even if it is unpalatable.
Perhaps what we thought was the truth is no longer the truth in today s environment.
If we entertain multiple realities, we create possibilities that did not exist for us before.
Every single person in the company, including the entry-level file clerk, owns a piece of the truth about what color the company is. The operative word is piece. No one, not even the CEO, owns the entire truth, because no one can be in all places at all times.
Each of us may know a better way for the company to do something, none of us knows more than the sum of everyone s ideas.
One of the goals in a fierce conversation is to get everyone s reality out on the table, so it can be interrogated. Don t have a proposal, simply identify the issue and proceed.
Invite questions. Check for understanding. Say, Before we go any further, please ask any clarifying questions you may have. Once you are certain that everyone understands what you are proposing, check for agreement. Then proceed to call on every individual at the table. Do the same thing following the sharing of others ideas. Jim, what is your perspective on Mike s idea?
Look to the person with the best vantage point. Who is standing right at the juncture where things are happening?
Over the next twenty-four hours, practice describing reality accurately, without laying blame, at home and in your workplace. To help with this assignment, catch yourself whenever you are about to say but, and replace it with and.
Have a quiet conversation with yourself. Are there differences between official truths and ground truths in your workplace? in your personal relationships? in your life? If so, write them down.
Clarify and write down your core values. Pay attention to each word you consider. Maybe there s only one word or phrase that rings true for you. That s fine. Write it down.
Now run an integrity scan. Is my behavior out of alignment with my values in the workplace? In my personal relationship? In my life? Are there integrity outages? If so, where and what are they?
As a leader, you get what you tolerate. People do not repeat behavior unless it is rewarded.
Ask yourself, What are my skills and talents, and are there gaps between those talents and what I am bringing to the job market, to my career, and to my personal relationships?
Definition of success that has served me well for many years: I am successful to the degree that who I am and what I live are in alignment.
In the context of fierce conversations, authenticity requires that you pay attention to Woody Allen s first rule of enlightenment: SHOW UP!
Authenticity is not something you have; it is something you choose.
Our companies, our relationships, and our lives are mirrors accurately reflecting us back to ourselves. The results with which we are pleased reflect parts of ourselves that are working well. The results that disappoint and displease us reflect aspects of ourselves beliefs, behaviors that simply aren t working.
The following four assignments will help you show up to yourself:
We must recognize that humans share a universal longing to be known and, being known, to be loved.
It s amazing how this seemingly small thing simply paying fierce attention to another, really asking, really listening, even during a brief conversation can evoke such a wholehearted response.
For those relationships to move forward and upward, you must have fierce affection for the other person. You must have genuine curiosity about what is going on with that person at any given time. You must have an insatiable appetite for learning more every day about who he or she is and where he or she wants to go and how this does or does not mesh with who you are and where you want to go.
Hearing people s words is only the beginning. Do you also hear their fears? their intentions? their aspirations?
No matter how skilled someone is at giving the problem back to you, don t take it. If someone asks for your opinion, say, I ll share my thoughts with you before we end our conversation, but right now, let s keep exploring yours.
You ll begin by asking, What is the most important thing you and I should talk about today? Give your colleague or partner some time to check in and consider what you ve asked. Don t help the person out. And if anyone ever responds with I don t know, your reply should be, What would it be if you did know?
What has become clear since we last met?
What area under your responsibility are you most satisfied with? least satisfied with?
What conversations are you avoiding right now?
What do you wish you had more time to do?
The secret rule is...questions only.
Questions are much more effective than answers in provoking learning.
It is crucial to spend time in the problem-naming part of the exercise.
What is the recurring problem in the organization? How does the system reward this? Where does the problem originate? What is the grub ? This is the question on the table. This is why it s important. This is what I want to achieve. This is what you need to know. These are the options I m considering. This is what I need from you today.
Once the issue is on the table, what is the role of the team?
Before jumping in with solutions, it is essential to spend some time asking clarifying questions.
I take the high road is often an excuse for not tackling the issue. It is far better to take the direct road.
If you really want to resolve the issue, go directly to the source and confront the person s behavior one-to-one, in private.
Let s keep in mind that a confrontation is a conversation. As with all fierce conversations, the four purposes of a confrontation are to:
The five common errors in confronting behavior are:
If you need to confront someone s behavior, do not begin by asking that person how things are going or by complimenting him or her. Don t surround your message with pillows. Come straight at the issue. Get right to the point. Say what you have to say in sixty seconds, then immediately extend an invitation to your partner to join the conversation.
Breat up potentially challenging conversations into three distinct parts: opening statement, interaction, and resolution.
Opening Statement - There are seven components to an opening statement:
This behavior is hurtful. This is the result it is producing. This is what s at stake. And sotto voce: Where else is this behavior showing up in your life, and what results is it producing there?
Do not trust your instincts. Obey them.
The fundamental outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.
A careful conversation is a failed conversation. When we enter the conversation with a goal of being poised, clever, instructive, we are inhibited, and all possibilities of intimacy are held at bay.
Everything each of us says leaves an emotional wake. Positive or negative. Our individual wakes are larger than we know.
An emotional wake is what you remember after I m gone. What you feel. The aftermath, aftertaste, or afterglow.
If you are a leader, taking responsibility for your emotional wake requires that you have a stump speech the speech you must be prepared to give anytime, anywhere, to anyone who asks or who looks the least bit confused. Your stump speech must be powerful, clear, and brief. This is where we re going. This is why we re going there. This is who is going with us. This is how we re going to get there.
What do you want them to remember when you re gone? Are you saying it...clearly?
Don t just tell people that you love them; tell them why you love them, what it is about them that you love. Specifically. You go first.
It s the idea behind your words that matters. Learning to deliver the message without the load requires that you speak with clarity, conviction, compassion, and passion. You are not required to become a wimp.
Aim past this conversation, past these words. Where do you want to go with your work? or this individual? or this marriage? or this life? What is your destination? That s your chopping block. Aim for that in every important conversation.
Do not begin your comments with Truthfully...or Frankly...or Honestly...That always makes me wonder if someone wasn't speaking truthfully before.
There is one requirement: Complete the conversation.
Above all, admit it when you re wrong and, if it s appropriate, apologize.
The best leaders talk with people, not at them.
The more emotionally loaded the subject, the more silence is required.
During my conversations with the people most important to me, silence has become my favorite sound, because that is when the work is being done. Of all the tools I use during conversations and all the principles I keep in mind, silence is the most powerful of all.
Never mistake talking for conversation.