The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life - by Mark Manson
Date read: 2017-01-08How strongly I recommend it: 9/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
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Heavy into stoic philosophy and great read to level-set on personal values and behaviors.
Contents:
- THE IMPORTANCE OF NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES
- THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING PROBLEMS TO SOLVE
- VALUES
- STOICISM
- HOW TO PRACTICE BEING UNCERTAIN
My Notes
The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.
Alan Watts used to refer it as "the backwards law" - the idea that the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place.
Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance.
Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Life itself is a form of suffering.
Subtlety #1: Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different.
Subtlety #2: To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity.
Subtlety #3: Whether you realize it or not, you are always choosing what to give a fuck about.
Pain and loss are inevitable and we should let go of trying to resist them. And problems never fucking go away - they just improve.
The solution to one problem is merely the creation of the next one and we should hope for a life full of good problems.
To be happy we need something to solve. Happiness is therefore a form of action.
True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.
Emotions are simply biological signals designed to nudge you in the direction of beneficial change.
Negative emotions are a call to action. When you feel them, it's because you're supposed to do something.
A question that most people never consider is, "What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?" Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.
Feeling good about yourself doesn't really mean anything unless you have a good reason to feel good about yourself.
Adversity and failure are actually useful and even necessary for developing strong-minded and successful adults.
True and accurate measurement of one's self-worth is how people feel about the negative aspects of themselves.
You and your problems are actually not privileged in their severity or pain.
People become amazing because they're obsessed with improvement. And that obsession with improvement stems from an unerring belief that they are, in fact, not that great at all. It's anti-entitlement.
Self-awareness is like an onion. There are multiple layers to it, and the more you peel them back, the more likely you're going to start crying at inappropriate times.
Our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the quality of our lives.
Why do I consider this to be success/failure? How am I choosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me?
We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think about them, the standard by which we choose to measure them.
If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success.
The trick with negative emotions is to:
Good values are:
Examples of good values include: honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself, standing up for others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, and creativity.
What are the values that you prioritize above everything else, and that therefore influence your decision-making more than anything else?
"Self-improvement" is really about: prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a fuck about.
We, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances.
We don't always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond.
The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.
You are already choosing, in every moment of every day, what to give a fuck about, so change is as simple as choosing to give a fuck about something else.
We go from wrong to slightly less wrong. We are always in the process of approaching truth and perfection without actually ever reaching truth or perfection.
Many people become so obsessed with being "right" about their life that they never end up actually living it. Instead of looking to be right all the time, we should be looking for how we're wrong all the time. Because being wrong opens us up to the possibility of change.
The more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don't know.
Manson's law of avoidance: The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.
Never know who you are. Because that's what keeps you striving and discovering. And it forces you to remain humble in your judgments and accepting of the differences in others.
Question #1: What if I'm wrong? For any change to happen in your life, you must be wrong about something.
Question #2: What would it mean if I were wrong? Being able to look at and evaluate different values without necessarily adopting them is perhaps the central skill required in changing one's own life in a meaningful way.
Question #3: Would being wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others? If it feels like it's you versus the world, chances are it's really just you versus yourself.
Just as one must suffer physical pain to build stronger bone and muscle, one must suffer emotional pain to develop greater emotional resilience, a stronger sense of self, increased compassion, and a generally happier life.
When you choose a new value, you are choosing to introduce a new form of pain into your life. Relish it. Savor it. Welcome it with open arms. Then act despite it.
Action isn't just the effect of motivation; it's also the cause of it.
Action leads to inspiration which leads to motivation.
The only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one's life is through a rejection of alternatives, a narrowing of freedom, a choice of commitment to one place, one belief, or one person. There is a freedom and liberation in commitment.
I've found increased opportunity and upside in rejecting alternatives and distractions in favor of what I've chosen to let truly matter to me.
All the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire to never truly die. Choose values that stretch beyond serving yourself, that are simple and immediate and controllable and tolerant of the chaotic world around you. This is the basic root of all happiness.