Friend of a Friend...: Understanding the Hidden Networks That Can Transform Your Life and Your Career - by David Burkus
Date read: 2019-07-26How strongly I recommend it: 6/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
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Interesting ideas challenging the concept of our network and whether we have control of it or not. Also, great insight into weak ties vs. dormant ties vs. strong ties. But overall, this book could have easily been written in a short blog post or article. Too much repetition and overuse of examples.
Contents:
My Notes
While we might think of our network as a collection of contact cards in a Rolodex (or more modernly, a collection of names in a contacts app), when Rifkin thought about networks, he saw them not as a collection of contacts but as the map of the connections between contacts. "A network is basically a set of people and the connections between those people," he explained.
For a downloadable template to use when completing this exercise, go to davidburkus.com/resources and look for networking resources.
It's about knowing who is a "friend of a friend." It's about getting a full picture of the network you already have access to, and learning how to improve it.
Who you know affects how you think, and it also affects which friend of a friend you're likely to meet, for better or worse.
Research shows that our biggest opportunities and best sources of new information actually come from our "weak ties" or "dormant ties"-our connections with people we don't see often or haven't spoken to in a long time.
Weak ties: People we maintain a connection with but rarely interact with. By contrast, strong ties are the connections we regularly return to-those friends and coworkers we feel comfortable around because we know, like, and trust them.
Even though the strong ties in our life are more likely to be motivated to help us, it turns out that our weak ties' access to new sources of information may be more valuable than our strong ties' motivation.
Weak ties are those colleagues we don't plan to see, but when we do it's easy to catch up quickly. As a result, weak ties become our best source for the new information that we need to resolve our dilemmas.
Strong ties may be more motivated to help us by bonds of familiarity and trust, but there is one form of weak ties with almost as much goodwill toward us while still offering new information: weak ties that used to be stronger, aka a dormant tie.
The research on dormant ties reveals three main reasons for their strength:
Start a regular practice of reengaging with your weak and dormant ties. So here's a weekly routine to get you started: Like the executives studied, list six to ten work colleagues with whom you used to have a strong relationship but who have since fallen by the wayside-include, at a minimum, those colleagues with whom you haven't had an in-depth conversation in two years. Randomly select one person from the list. Roll dice or flip a coin if you have to, then email or call with an invitation to chat in person or via phone call. Don't set an agenda. Don't say you are looking for something specific. Just say you would like to reconnect. During a free-flowing conversation, however, you are likely to talk about work matters, problems, opportunities, etc. Make a note of these and follow up anywhere you could help or might need help.
The truth is that we are all one big network, and the people who succeed are not the ones with the best collection but the ones who can see and navigate their network best.
We don't grow or create a network-the truth is, we already exist inside of one. Our network is not a Rolodex separate from us, to be used by us. Rather, we are an integrated part of the bigger whole.
One of the best ways to stay connected to, or get back in touch with, these former colleagues is through alumni networks.
Research into networks reveals that, surprisingly, the most connected people inside a tight group within a single industry are less valuable than the people who span the gaps between groups and broker information back and forth.
People whose networks span structural holes have early access to diverse, often contradictory, information and interpretations, which gives them a competitive advantage in seeing good ideas.
There is real value to be captured by bringing two unconnected groups together. You might not always be able to see that value right away, but as you become the broker who fills the structural holes, you will have a greater chance of finding the right opportunity.
Clusters are good for us, and good for our growth. The trick is to make sure we're not so clustered that we ignore opportunities to be structural holes. At the same time, we need to make certain that pursuing our goals as brokers between clusters doesn't leave us clusterless.
The trick is to not get so comfortable inside a cluster that we become stuck in that silo. Finding a real and meaningful balance between deep community and wide networks is vital for professional success. We need clusters to help develop our skills and knowledge so that we can have an impact that resonates across the network.
Commit to a set structure for your conversations. This doesn't have to be a rigid agenda, but it's good to have a map to follow in each meeting so that no one feels their time is wasted. If you don't know where to start, consider asking these three questions and going around to each member of the cluster for answers:
Revealing that many of the most successful teams are successful only because they are temporary-they meet for a time and then disband, with some members going to other teams. In the end, having a large network and a tight-knit team isn't as valuable as having a loose network and temporary teams.
But here's the frustrating part: finding a good team and then sticking with it often yields a diminishing return on investment. That is, if a team's first projects are successful, it is less likely to have as much time and energy to devote to the next project. In effect, you need fresh blood. And to get that, you need a network that allows individuals not only to come together quickly but also to bring in enough new collaborators to sustain a project.
If your network allows you to form teams of new and old connections easily, you have a great blend. If it doesn't, you are probably working too often with the same old people. At the same time, if every project or opportunity requires new rounds of introductions, then the shape of your network isn't optimal.
The more connections you have, the more likely you are to make new connections. So building a valuable network might seem like a lot of work now, but eventually it will become effortless.
We can have the appearance of being everywhere and in demand-by only focusing on a few of the right connections.
Whether you are trying to sell a product or seeking the attention of a critical potential contact, the lesson of the majority "illusion" is exactly that: largely unknown companies, brands, and even people can appear to have big followings if they target the right early adopters. That illusion of majority preference then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and can turn the unknown into the well known.
Study the network around that target for other connections. See how many mutual connections you already have, and consider who among them may be the better people to ask for an introduction. You may still rely on just one individual to make a specific introduction, but you can also prepare other mutual connections by sharing your intent to connect with them and asking if they would be willing to put in a good word for you or at least say something nice if asked. In the end, if multiple people in a target's close network are all talking about you, and if the most connected and trusted person is making the introduction, there is a much better chance that you will make the connection.
You can host dinners (or lunches) in your own city or your own home, or you can regularly plan to host a dinner when you are traveling to connect with old contacts (and make new ones) in each city you visit.
It's best if you can make introductions part of your regular routine, aiming for a goal of about one introduction or more per week. If you have never felt comfortable making introductions, here is a helpful format you can utilize in almost any situation, using any medium:
Start with a brief line introducing each person by name ("John, meet Jane; Jane, meet John"). Briefly cover the background of each person ("Jane is..."), with roughly a paragraph's worth of information per person. Add a short comment about why you think these two people would benefit from connecting ("You both work in the same industry..."). End with a brief call to action, specifying what should happen next and who should initiate it ("John, would you be kind enough to jump on a phone call with Jane in the next week?").
Depending on the busyness of one party or the other, you can adapt this format to a "double opt-in" introduction. Here you reach out privately to each person first (using information from steps 2 and 3); once both people consent, your actual introduction will be even shorter (mostly just information from steps 1 and 4).
Networking events don't bring us truly new contacts. Instead, research suggests, we are better off engaging in activities that draw a cross-section of people and letting those connections form naturally as we engage with the task at hand.
When we focus solely on networking or meeting new contacts, we most often end up heading home from these events with far less useful relationships than we had hoped for.
Instead, we are more likely to develop new relationships with a diverse set of individuals by focusing more on activities to participate in rather than relationships themselves. Like guests cooking alongside each other, participating in shared activities allows more random collaborations to happen and makes those collaborations more likely to become real relationships.
Start by opening up your perspective about your friends and coworkers, and then start widening your relationships. Here's how:
List five friends who do work you know very little about. Set a time to meet with each one in the next thirty days, for coffee or lunch or just to hang out. Make sure to take time to ask questions about what they are working on. You're not looking for anything specific that will help your own work or create an opportunity. You're just looking to learn. (These are your friends after all; you're not trying to take advantage of them.) Make a list of five colleagues whom you don't know very well. Make an appointment to meet with each one of your colleagues in the next thirty days. As with your friends, you're looking to learn. If you sense that they don't want to reveal too much about themselves, then don't worry. (They probably haven't read this chapter of this book yet.) But take an interest in them and show it. You never know, you might make a new best friend.