Great techniques on how to talk to your children better without yelling or degrading them. Also, how to listen better to your children and I would argue this could also be used with adults. Recommended for anyone with kids ages 3 and up.
Contents:
- TALKING TO YOUR CHILD
- DISCIPLINE
- AUTONOMY
- AVOIDING STEREOTYPING
My Notes
The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them. I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family you’d better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness.
TALKING TO YOUR CHILD
To Engage Cooperation:
- Describe - Describe what you see or describe the problem. When grown-ups describe the problem, it gives children a chance to tell themselves what to do. Example: “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
- Give information - When children are given information, they can usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done. Example: “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
- Say it with a word - Children dislike hearing lectures, sermons, and long explanations. For them, the shorter the reminder, the better. Example: “The towel!”
- Talk about your feelings - Children are entitled to hear their parents’ honest feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful. Example: “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”
- Write a note - Example: (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel (NOTE: This does not work well with Ella!).
When you want something done immediately, it’s a good idea to speak forcefully rather than to plead. A loud, firm “Sofas are not for jumping on!” would probably stop the jumping a lot sooner. (If the youngster persists, he can always be removed—swiftly, with a sternly repeated “Sofas are not for jumping on!!”)
When we describe the event (instead of talking about what “you did”), we seem to make it easier for the child to hear what the problem is and deal with it.
DISCIPLINE
The problem with punishment was that it didn’t work, that it was a distraction, that instead of the child feeling sorry for what he has done and thinking about how he can make amends, he becomes preoccupied with revenge fantasies. In other words, by punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.
Alternatives to Punishment:
- Point out a way to be helpful.
- Express strong disapproval (without attacking character) - Example: “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”
- State your expectations - Example: “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.”
- Show the child how to make amends - Example: “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”
- Offer a choice - Example: “You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.”
- Take action - Example: Child: “Why is the toolbox locked?” Father: “You tell me why.”
Problem Solve - Example: “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”
To Problem-Solve:
- Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.
- Talk about your feelings and needs.
- Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.
- Write down all ideas—without evaluating.
- Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.
- Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior.
Statements like these say to the child, “I don’t like what you did, and I expect you to take care of it.” We hope that later on in life, as an adult, when he does something he regrets, he’ll think to himself, “What can I do to make amends—to set things right again?,” rather than “What I just did proves I’m an unworthy person who deserves to be punished.”
Some children use “I’m sorry” as a way of placating an angry parent. They’re quick to apologize and just as quick to repeat their misbehavior. It’s important for these youngsters to realize that if they’re genuinely sorry their feelings of remorse should be translated into action. The “repeat offender” can be told any of the following: “Sorry means behaving differently.” “Sorry means making changes.” “I’m glad to hear you’re sorry. That’s the first step. The second step is to ask yourself what can be done about it.”
AUTONOMY
To Encourage Autonomy:
- Let children make choices - Example: “Are you in the mood for your gray pants, or your red pants?”
- Show respect for a child’s struggle - Example: “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the lid with a spoon.”
- Don’t ask too many questions - Too many questions can be experienced as an invasion of one’s private life. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it. Example: “Glad to see you. Welcome home.”
- Don’t rush to answer questions - Example: “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”
- Encourage children to use sources outside the home - Example: “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.”
- Don’t take away hope - Example: “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”
Instead of forcing, urging, or embarrassing a youngster, we can express our confidence in her ultimate readiness: “I’m not concerned. When you’re ready, you’ll get into the water.” “When you decide to, you’ll stop sucking your thumb.” “One of these days, you’ll use the bathroom just like Mommy and Daddy.”
SOME ALTERNATIVES TO “NO”
- Give Information (and leave out the “No”) - Example: CHILD: Can I go over to Suzie’s to play now? Instead of “No, you can’t.” Give the facts: “We’re having dinner in five minutes.” With that information, a child might tell herself, “I guess I can’t go now.”
- Accept Feelings - Example: CHILD: (At the zoo) I don’t want to go home now. Can’t we stay? Instead of “No, we have to go now!” Accept his feelings: “I can see if it were up to you, you’d stay for a long, long time.” (As you take him by the hand to go) “It’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much.” Sometimes resistance is lessened when someone understands how you feel.
- Describe the Problem - Example: CHILD: Mom, can you drive me to the library now? Instead of “No, I can’t. You’ll just have to wait.” Describe the problem: “I’d like to help you out. The problem is that the electrician is coming in the next half hour.”
- When Possible, Substitute a “Yes” for a “No” - Example: CHILD: Can we go to the playground? Instead of “No, you haven’t had your lunch yet.” Substitute a “Yes”: “Yes, certainly. Right after lunch.”
- Give Yourself Time to Think - Example: CHILD: Can I sleep over at Gary’s house? Instead of “No, you slept there last week.” Give yourself a chance to think: “Let me think about it.”
When we preface our suggestion with “How would you feel about . . .” or “Would you consider . . . ,” we acknowledge the fact that the advice that seems so “sensible” to us can be “not so sensible” to the child.
Helpful praise actually comes in two parts:
- The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels.
- The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself.
The additional element here is that we add to the description one or two words that sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior.
The point is to find a word that will tell a youngster something about himself that he may not have known before—to give him a new verbal snapshot of himself.
Praise and Self-Esteem Instead of Evaluating (“Good” . . . “Great!” . . . “Fantastic!”):
- DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE - “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.”
- DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL - “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”
- SUM UP THE CHILD’S PRAISEWORTHY BEHAVIOR WITH A WORD - “You sorted out your Legos, cars, and farm animals, and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!”
The whole world will tell them what’s wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what’s right about them.
Q: My son gets plenty of praise from me, and yet he’s still fearful of risking failure. He goes to pieces if something he attempts doesn’t turn out right. Is there anything I can do?
A: There are a number of ways that you could be helpful to him:
- When he’s upset, don’t minimize his distress. (“There’s nothing to be upset about.”) Instead, bring out into the open what you think he might be feeling. “It can be frustrating to work on a project for so long and not have it come out the way you want!” When his frustration is understood, a child tends to relax inside.
- It helps when a parent can be accepting of his child’s mistakes and view them as an important part of the learning process. It can even be pointed out that a mistake can be a discovery. It can tell you something you never knew before: “You found out that a soft-boiled egg can become hard just from sitting in hot water.”
- It also helps if parents can be accepting of their own mistakes.
Recently I’ve stopped saying, “If you’re good, I’ll . . .” Instead, I say, “Melissa, it would be helpful to me if . . .” And when she does do something helpful, I try to describe it back to her.
AVOIDING STEREOTYPING
To Free Children from Playing Roles:
- Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself - “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!”
- Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently - “Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?”
- Let children overhear you say something positive about them - “He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt.”
- Model the behavior you’d like to see.
- Be a storehouse for your child's special moments - “I remember the time you . . .”
- When your child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations - “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.” “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations!”
Let’s not cast ourselves in roles either—good parent, bad parent, permissive parent, authoritarian parent. Let’s start thinking of ourselves as human beings first, with great potential for growth and change. The process of living or working with children is demanding and exhausting. It requires heart, intelligence, and stamina. When we don’t live up to our own expectations—and we won’t always—let’s be as kind to ourselves as we are to our youngsters. If our children deserve a thousand chances, and then one more, let’s give ourselves a thousand chances—and then two more.
