Models: Attract Women Through Honesty - By Mark Manson
Date read: 2026-02-17How strongly I recommend it: 8/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
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Not your typical book on dating and how to pick up women. Instead of focusing on tactics and one-liners, the book focuses on how you can create vulnerability and self-worth which in-turn translates to attractiveness. Recommended for anyone dating (both men & women) as well as those in a relationship or married to help you enhance your existing relationships.
Contents:
My Notes
There’s a call for a new masculinity that’s been lacking for generations now. There’s been a void of what men are, what they’re supposed to be, how they’re supposed to behave, and until now no one has moved to fill that void.
Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.
Emerson once wrote, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.” Seduction is the interplay of emotions. Your movement, or lack of movement, reflects and alters emotions, not the words. Words are the side effect. Sex is the side effect. The game is emotions, emotions through movement.
A man's attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average. The needier he is, the less attractive he will be to women on average. Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others’ perceptions of him than his perception of himself. A needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by impressing and winning approval from others. Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others. A non-needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by embodying his own values and desires.
Female sexual attraction is based largely in feeling comfortable and secure with a man she meets.
A man who is rich in assets has greater potential to make a woman feel secure and comfortable, but if his behavior implies that he won’t, then she won’t be attracted to him. A physically fit man will imply greater fitness for her children, but again, if his behavior implies he will be incapable or incompetent in raising them, then she will not be attracted to him.
The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Love yourself. Otherwise no, one else will.
Making yourself vulnerable doesn’t just mean being willing to share your fears or insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, introducing yourself to a group of people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to date her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable when you do them.
Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and move on because you’re a bigger and stronger man. And when you find a woman who loves who you are (and you will), revel in her affection.
So the catch is that everything you say must be as authentic as possible. There’s no shortcut. There are no tricks. You say it because you mean it and mean it because you say it. The more nervous it makes you, the better, because it means you’re being authentic and making yourself vulnerable.
You can say the lamest and grossest (or funniest, depending on your perspective) thing to women, and if the sub-communication is, “I really don’t care if you laugh or run away horrified, but here’s who I am, take it or leave it,” this sub-communicates a rock-bottom level of investment and an incredibly high level of vulnerability.
Because when a man comes right out and says he’s interested in a woman, the sub-communication is actually, “I’m totally OK with the idea of you rejecting me, otherwise I would not be approaching you in this manner. Therefore, I'm comfortable with myself and my prospects.”
What you actually say doesn’t matter; why you say it matters.
I will give compliments only when I am honestly inspired to give them, and usually after already meeting a woman and displaying to her that I’m willing to disagree with her, willing to be rejected by her and willing to walk away from her if it ever comes to that. This willingness to walk away from her and this ability to accept nothing in return is what gives my genuine interest so much value.
Non-neediness means you respect yourself AND others. Narcissism means you only respect yourself. Neediness means you only respect others.
Your ability and willingness to establish boundaries is inversely proportional to how needy you are.
Men who are non-needy establish strict boundaries because they value their own time and happiness more than receiving attention from a woman. They also see no reason to trample over other people’s boundaries.
YOUR values determine your behavior, not what you think she wants, not what you think others want, but what is best for you and best for the relationship.
For practical purposes, we can divide up all of the women you’re attracted to into three categories: Receptive, Neutral and Unreceptive.
Instead of thinking, “I wonder if she’ll like me,” think, “I wonder what she’s like?”
The goal with Unreceptive women is to identify them and move on as quickly as possible. They’re time sinks. Typically, if women are Unreceptive, they’re Unreceptive for a good reason, and it has little to do with you (or maybe it does have everything to do with you, in which case you should learn from it).
If you hang out with her and she talks about how frustrated she is with her boyfriend and how you’re such a good listener, then she’s Unreceptive.
The goal with Neutral women is to polarize them through your words and behaviors. This may mean flirting with them or teasing them. It may mean asking her on a date. It may be as simple as smiling at her from across the room. Whatever it is, the goal with Neutral women is to take an action that forces her to make a decision about how she feels about you. Which side she polarizes to is far less important than actually taking action. And remember, if you leave her to her neutrality, she will usually become Unreceptive and not see you as dating material.
Entering the "Friend Zone": You must indicate some sort of sexual interest early on. Otherwise, the longer you wait, the harder it gets and the more likely she will become Unreceptive to you.
The goal with Neutral Women is to get them to stop being Neutral as soon as possible. As we mentioned earlier, women who are Neutral and who stay Neutral tend to eventually end up Unreceptive. You do this by expressing your vulnerability and your identity to them freely.
At the bar, the first question out of my mouth is one of my favorites for Neutral situations: "What's your favorite thing in the world?" This question will tell me two things: how passionate and self-aware she is about her own life, and secondly if we have anything in common. Women who are not passionate or self-aware I drop very quickly and go meet someone else. Women who share interests with me give me an opportunity to polarize them quickly to being Receptive.
When you meet a Receptive woman, the goal is simple. You escalate. You make a move. You move things forward — assuming you want to, of course.
The percentage of women who are Receptive to you will increase proportionally to the quality of your lifestyle, your social status, and your looks. The percentage of women that you’re able to move from Neutral to Receptive will be proportional to how good your “game” is, or how well you’re able to communicate and express yourself with women. And your ability to sort through each type of women and meet as many as possible will be determined by how fearless and bold you are when it comes to meeting women.
Instead of thinking, “I hope she doesn’t reject me,” think, “I hope I'll find out if she’s right for me.”
Success = Maximizing happiness with whichever woman/women we prefer.
When we define success as finding the relationship(s) that will maximize our happiness, our approach takes a completely new light. Instead of waiting and hoping for a woman to select us, instead of racking up numbers, instead of winning bragging rights, instead of avoiding rejections — our success is defined by screening through as many women as possible until we find the ones we enjoy and the ones who enjoy us.
The Three Fundamentals are:
For short, I refer to the Three Fundamentals as Honest Living, Honest Action, and Honest Communication.
Honest Living correlates directly with the quality of women that you will attract.
Honest Action correlates directly to the quantity of women you meet and attract.
Honest Communication will determine the efficiency with which you are able to attract women who are compatible to you.
The answer isn’t replacing your identity and passions; the answer is to expand your identity and passions. Expand it to include new and interesting activities, new modes of expression, and new ways of presenting yourself.
What I recommend to every man before he even begins talking to women is to sit down for a while and ask himself a few questions:
Prioritize what you look for in a woman. This will help you decide where to look.
Women with the traits that you value, where do they frequent? Where are you most likely to find them?
What do you enjoy doing most? Do you love to read/write? Do you play music? Do you enjoy sports and competitions? What are the events or organizations that you can become involved in that explore your hobbies?
Also, meetup.com and livingsocial.com are excellent resources for finding like-minded people and cool events going on in your city.
The more money/looks/success you have, the less attractive behavior you need. The less money/looks/success you have, the more attractive behavior you need.
Social proof only functions within a demographic itself. That’s why once you’ve narrowed down your demographic, you want to cultivate your connections and put yourself into as big of a leadership position as possible. Don’t just join the intramural ultimate Frisbee team, start organizing it. Don’t just volunteer at a charity event, help find sponsors for it. Don’t just go hang out at a local club, but become a promoter for it.
Women are attracted to your identity. Words mean nothing. What you say is only a means to buy you enough time to show her that identity.
If you’re wearing dress pants, your socks should match your pants. If you’re wearing jeans, your socks should match your shoes.
Look people in the eye as they walk by — particularly attractive girls. You’ll catch people making eye contact with you. You’ll feel the urge to look away. Don’t. Always make other people break eye contact with you before you break it with them.
When it comes to deciding what one likes and doesn’t like, most men have very lukewarm reactions one way or the other. For instance, a random Joe may say, “I really liked Terminator. It was pretty cool.” A more interesting person may say, “Terminator was great. But what’s more interesting to me is that it was the first movie I can remember in which you ended up rooting for the villain.”
Drop all of this prejudice and adopt this mentality immediately: “there has to be something to this form of art, otherwise it wouldn’t have a following, so I should find out what that something is.” Once you find it, then decide if you like it or not. Whether you like something or not, you should always be able to appreciate it.
Get your life taken care of. Get healthy. Find a happy group of friends. Find a few hobbies that you love. Develop opinions. Start caring about what you spend your time doing. This increases your self-investment and will make you less needy around others. This, in turn, will give you the courage to take the correct action and the wherewithal to communicate effectively.
What stories do you tell yourself? Because until you’re aware of your stories, you’re not going to be able to change your behavior. Maybe you get very nervous in bars and clubs and tell yourself stories of inadequacy. “Girls like that only like tall guys with muscles.” Or maybe you tell yourself, “I’ll start approaching after a few drinks.” Or maybe you tell yourself that you’re always in too much of a hurry, too busy to stop and say hello to a woman in a coffee shop.
The only important "skill" in dating is learning how to stop buying into your own bullshit, to stop believing your own stories. The resistance is constant. So you must constantly fight against it, acknowledge the stories you create for yourself, look them in the eye and say, “You know what, I don’t care if she’s on her phone and her ass says ‘PINK’ on it, I want to meet her.” And then do it. Without hesitation. Without fear. And without apology.
The blame game guy will convince himself that it’s her fault. The apathy guy will convince himself that it doesn’t matter. The intellectualizing guy will convince himself that he needs to learn and understand more first. In the end, they're all avoiding what they're afraid of.
Challenge yourself to find the good and beautiful thing inside of everyone. It’s there. It’s your job to find it. Not their job to show you.
The next time you make your move, when she sees you coming — and trust me, she usually sees you coming — know that she’s already rooting for you. Secretly, she wants you to succeed as much as you do. And for a moment, she’s your biggest fan.
The way to attack anxieties is through incremental, consistent exposure. Not single, extreme exposure. So for instance, you could take an afternoon or your lunch break each day and make a point to approach a few women just asking for the time. Nothing more is required, just ask what time it is. Find something easy, but repeat it regularly for a while, until it doesn’t feel difficult anymore. Then the next week, you go out and ask women what time it is followed by, “How is your day going?” And each day, you slowly make it harder and more intensive.
This is why if you’re ever going to do something that is unusual — approach a woman in a strange location, try to kiss her in a strange location, invite her out with you after just meeting her, etc. — it’s important that you communicate that you realize what you’re doing is abnormal. “You know, I’ve never done this before, and I know we just met, but why don’t you come to the restaurant with me?” “Excuse me, this is kind of random, but I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you.”
Whenever you’re in doubt of what you should do, err on the side of assertiveness. Choose the bolder action. Because if you wait around for the safer and less bold opportunity to make a move on her, chances are the attraction will be less or may even dwindle.
The fact of life is that if you are a man who expresses his sexuality freely (and you should), some women, some of the time, are going to find you creepy. It’s simply unavoidable. No matter how cool, rich, good-looking and charming you are, at some point, somewhere a woman is going to be creeped out by you. Live with it. So as a wise friend of mine sometimes says, “Give yourself permission to be creepy.” Don’t try to be creepy. And definitely don’t walk around looking to intimidate women. Simply accept that sometimes, miscommunications happen, awkward situations occur, and things get misconstrued. Such is life. As long as you’re respectful in how you express yourself, there should never be a serious problem.
This is why vulnerability is so huge. When you’re vulnerable around someone you don’t know, it elicits trust in them and they will become more vulnerable toward you in return. The more vulnerable a woman is willing to be around you, the less likely you will be to creep her out.
So how do you develop deep and lasting emotional connections with women, connections that will blow your mind and heart away as well as hers too?
Ninety percent of the time when I meet a new woman, I simply say, “Hi, I’m Mark.” I then follow it up with, “I wanted to meet you.” And if I’m feeling particularly bold, I’ll say, “I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you.”
Do not startle or scare her when you approach her. This is possibly the only death knell for approaching women.
When in doubt on how to approach a woman, simply walk up and introduce yourself and explain to her that you wanted to meet her. I know this sounds drab and boring. But remember, it’s not about entertaining her; it’s about being non-needy and expressing your genuine interest in her. During the day, I often preface the introduction by saying something like, “Excuse me, this is kind of random...” Also during the day, I usually tell them that I think they’re cute.
Don’t linger. If you linger and hover around her, it’s almost guaranteed to make the approach feel awkward and forced.
Smile. Always smile. Don’t smile like the Joker from the Batman movies smiles. But smile like you’re a nice, friendly person. A comfortable smile. Lean back. Stand up tall. Speak loudly yet clearly. Make strong eye contact. Introduce yourself and stick out your hand. Give a firm handshake. This is called being a confident human being.
Using effective language means saying what you mean with the fewest words possible while still maintaining your meaning and intent.
Creating threads of conversation through statement is far more powerful than questions. This is because it assumes rapport and instantly makes conversations more personally. For instance, if you’ve been talking to a woman at a bar for a few minutes, saying, “I love olives in my drink. When I was a kid I used to eat them straight out of the jar,” is far more interesting than, “Do you like olives in your drink?” and waiting for her response.
Instead of asking her a question about herself, you guess the answer to your question and then state it. Here are some examples: “Where are you from?” translates to: “You look like a California girl.” “What do you do for work?” translates to: “You seem to be a creative person. I bet your job is interesting." “How do you guys know each other?” translates to: “You guys look like you’ve been friends for a long time.”
You should cold read as much as possible. Any time you’re asking a question that requires a factual answer, take a stab at the answer instead of asking.
Never underestimate the power of non-sequiturs. “I’m thinking about quitting drinking.” “A car almost hit me on the way here tonight.” “My roommate eats peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. It’s disgusting.” “I’ve always wanted to visit Africa.”
Making a connection requires three steps:
Ideally, sharing these aspects of yourself will encourage her to share them in herself. You want to get her to talk about her passions, her ambitions, her best experiences and her most vulnerable experiences.
Misdirection: One of the most common and easiest forms of humor is misdirection. Misdirection occurs when you begin to say something or tell a story that leads the listener to believe you’re making one point, and then out of nowhere you say something completely different. For instance, here’s a famous line by Steve Martin: “You know that look women get when they want to have sex? ... Yeah, me neither.”
Generally, the older you are, the more I recommend avoiding dirty language. Use it sparingly and only use it when you have a specific reason to. The more you use it, the more attention-seeking and negative you will make yourself appear, both of which are unattractive traits.
Only ask a woman for her phone number if she seems genuinely attracted and interested in you. Only ask for her number if you can see yourself wanting to hang out with her again or having time to hang out with her again. If you meet a girl who is in town for a bachelorette party for three days, is drunk, and you have a serious meeting at work in two days, don’t bother.
When you ask her for her phone number, don’t come up with a fancy line or make up a reason. Just ask her for it. If you’re attracted to her, you shouldn’t be afraid to hide it (you’re a confident, dominant man, remember?). If she’s attracted to you, she’ll be more than excited to give it to you. Most women will always give you their number when you ask. Even if they don’t like you or have no intention of ever seeing you again, they’ll give it to you. It’s simply far easier for them to ignore calls from guys they don’t like than to reject every guy to their face.
My policy with flakes is “Three strikes you’re out.” If a woman flakes once, I’ll try her a second time. If she doesn’t respond the second time, I may or may not give it a third shot, but typically if I do, I don’t put much effort into the third attempt. Often I will only try a woman once or twice. If there’s still nothing after the third attempt, I move on.
I always text within 24 hours of getting her number. I send a simple text: “Hey Sara, it was nice meeting you.” That’s it. Most girls who are interested in you will respond somewhat quickly. The ones who do not respond to this will usually flake on you.
From there, I usually wait another day or so and start a text conversation. I like to reference a conversation we had when we met in this text to try and keep some continuity. The goal here is nothing special, just trying to get a little bit of back and forth going. It’s been over 24 hours and I’m seeing how warm the lead still is. Typically, if I can get a text conversation going here, then she’s pretty likely to go on a date with me. If her responses are few and far between, then she’s likely a flake.
I only use texting to organize when she and I are going to see each other next. Literally, that’s what 90% of my texts consist of, things like, “Hey, what are you doing Thursday night?” or “I’m busy this weekend, but I want to see you again.”
Don’t do lunch dates, and never make an afternoon date the first date if possible. Just don’t do it. For whatever reason, nothing says, “let’s just be friends” more than having lunch together. Save dates for the nighttime. It builds a greater sense of expectation. There’s more flexibility to spend more time together. It’s more of a commitment. And neither of you are in a rush to be anywhere in an hour. It also leaves the option open for you or her sleeping over.
Absolutely no movie dates for first or second dates. Movie dates are terrible. You don’t get to talk, you sit awkwardly next to each other, and it’s impossible to touch her without being awkward
Avoid dinner dates if at all possible. They’re cliché. They can be somewhat impersonal depending on where you eat. Once again, it’s almost impossible to touch. And believe it or not, a lot of women are self-conscious about eating in front of you, food selection, etc. Also, you can avoid the awkward “who pays?” situation
Good date locations are locations that are active, participatory, and allow for touching and flirting. Alcohol can be helpful as well if that’s your style. Some good examples include comedy clubs, dance classes, museum exhibits, walks in interesting places (plazas, parks, etc.), concerts, or just grabbing a drink somewhere.
A date with friends is not a date. This will often happen if she suggests a bar to go — “Oh, we can meet my friend Cindy there…” Chances are if she wants to hang out with her friend with you, then it’s no longer a date.
You should find venues and activities that are close to either your place or her place. What I recommend doing is researching and finding at least 4-6 good date venues or activities that are within a short drive of your house or apartment. Even better is if you can find a few places that are within walking distance.
On our dates, we are doing things — lots of things. We’re going bowling, having drinks, dancing, checking out statues in the park and carriage riding — all in three hours. There’s something strange in human psychology. Our level of intimacy with one another doesn’t just come from how much we talk about as much as it comes from the experiences we share. These dates are designed to create as much mutual experience as possible in the least amount of time possible.
Include dancing if at all possible, as it’s the most sexual date activity you can have. Also, if you two decide to drink, try to drink at the second or last venues/activities. You don't ever want to end up hammered on a date.
The underlying concept to have on a date is that you should try to constantly be leading. Every decision should be yours and she should be expected to follow it. Remove, “What do you want to do now?” from your dating vocabulary. Never say it again.
As far as what to talk about, your conversations should be getting deeper and more personal. There should be less teasing and playful banter and more conversations about your lives and what’s important to you. Learn about her past, her passions, her dreams, what her favorite things are. At the same time, you don’t want to turn this into a job interview (which too many dinner dates turn into), but elicit these topics by sharing them yourself.
Pay unless she physically pulls out her wallet/credit card and stops you. Until she physically does that, just pay.
What they want is to be desired. An unhinged desire. A passionate and uncontrollable desire. They want to be desired to the point that a man completely loses awareness and self-control.
Being physical with women is by far the most integral piece of seduction and dating women. If you have it, you will constantly have options. If you don’t, you will spend a lot of time alone.
When it comes to kissing a woman, there’s an old adage amongst dating coaches: if you think you can kiss her, you probably could have ten minutes ago. We men are horrible at gauging a woman’s sexual desire and when she’s ready to move things forward.
If you go in for the kiss and she turns her head or doesn’t reciprocate, pull back and ask her how she’s feeling, if she likes you or if you’re moving too fast. Listen to her response, often women will want to kiss you but there’s something that’s worrying them or upsetting them or making them self-conscious. The best way to deal with this is through vulnerability and simply asking her to be honest with whatever the issue is.
The most important habit to develop, by far, is to talk and be expressive in the bedroom. There has to be an open forum of communication when you sleep with a woman, especially the first few times you’re together.