Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) - by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Date read: 2020-06-27How strongly I recommend it: 9/10
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This book will help you communicate better in both professional and personal situations. You'll learn not to judge or blame others for how you feel and instead focus on your needs and feelings and what the other person can do to meet those needs. Great for dealing with conflict resolution and active listening.
Contents:
My Notes
Nonviolent Communication (NVC): a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.
The 4 components of NVC:
- Observations: The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being.
- Feelings: How we feel in relation to what we observe.
- Needs: The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
- Requests: The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
If my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.” If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”
Comparisons are a form of judgment.
“You make me feel guilty,” is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts.
We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
I suggested that the teacher translate the statement “I have to give grades because it’s district policy” to “I choose to give grades because I want …"
Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.
While the effects of negative labels such as “lazy” and “stupid” may be more obvious, even a positive or an apparently neutral label such as “cook” limits our perception of the totality of another person’s being.
Note: The words always, never, ever, whenever, etc. express observations when used in the following ways: Whenever I have observed Jack on the phone, he has spoken for at least thirty minutes. I cannot recall your ever writing to me. Sometimes such words are used as exaggerations, in which case observations and evaluations are being mixed: You are always busy. She is never there when she’s needed.
Observations are to be made specific to time and context, for example, “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”
Our repertoire of words for calling people names is often larger than our vocabulary of words to clearly describe our emotional states.
In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by: Words such as that, like, as if: “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.” The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: “I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”
Conversely, in the English language, it is not necessary to use the word feel at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.”
Description of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.” In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings. Expressions of actual feelings: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.” “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.” The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as “inadequate” could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion.
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
“I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.” The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.”
Words such as good and bad prevent the listener from connecting easily with what we might actually be feeling.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
We all have physical needs: air, water, food, rest. And we have psychological needs such as understanding, support, honesty, and meaning. I believe that all people basically have the same needs regardless of nationality, religion, gender, income, education, etc.
Four options for receiving negative messages:
- Blame ourselves.
- Blame others.
- Sense our own feelings and needs.
- Sense others’ feelings and needs.
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings: Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:
“It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel … because I … ” For example: “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
When parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school,” they are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness.
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
In this case, the woman could have responded to the mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?”
In our development toward a state of emotional liberation, most of us experience three stages in the way we relate to others:
Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy.
Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry. I refer jokingly to this stage as the obnoxious stage because we tend toward obnoxious comments like, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!”
Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.
Use positive language when making requests.
In addition to using positive language, we also want to word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake and to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
For example, an employer makes a genuine effort to invite feedback, telling the employees, “I want you to feel free to express yourself around me.” The statement communicates the employer’s desire for the employees to “feel free,” but not what they could do in order to feel this way. Instead, the employer could use positive action language to make a request: “I’d like you to tell me what I might do to make it easier for you to feel free to express yourselves around me.”
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
“Why don’t you go and get a haircut?” can easily be heard by youngsters as a demand or an attack unless parents remember to first reveal their own feelings and needs: “We’re worried that your hair is getting so long it might keep you from seeing things, especially when you’re on your bike. How about a haircut?”
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know:
- What the listener is feeling: “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.”
At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share. For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be successful, and if not, what you believe would prevent its success,” rather than simply saying, “I’d like you to tell me what you think about what I’ve said.” When we don’t specify which thoughts we would like to receive, the other person may respond at great length with thoughts that aren’t the ones we are seeking. - What the listener is thinking.
- Whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action: “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week.”
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges. It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being.
When people are upset, they often need empathy before they can hear what is being said to them.
Instead of offering empathy, we tend instead to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Questions may focus on these components: what others are observing: “Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?” how others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings: “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?” what others are requesting: “Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?”
When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
Instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?”
Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief.
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally.
To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy.
If an aunt is repeating the story about how twenty years ago her husband deserted her and her two small children, we might interrupt by saying, “So, Auntie, it sounds like you are still feeling hurt, wishing you’d been treated more fairly.”
Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.
This violent word, which we commonly use to evaluate ourselves, is so deeply ingrained in our consciousness that many of us would have trouble imagining how to live without it. It is the word should, as in “I should have known better” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” Most of the time when we use this word with ourselves, we resist learning, because should implies that there is no choice.
Turning our attention to the part of the self which chose to act in the way that led to the present situation, we ask ourselves, “When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?”
Get in touch with the intention behind your choice by completing the statement, I choose to … because I want ….
Money is not a “need” as we define it in NVC; it is one of countless strategies that may be selected to address a need.
Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.
We are never angry because of what someone else did. We can identify the other person’s behavior as the stimulus, but it is important to establish a clear separation between stimulus and cause.
When we are connected to our need, whether it is for reassurance, purposefulness, or solitude, we are in touch with our life energy. We may have strong feelings, but we are never angry. Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.
We consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because I am needing … ”
Four Steps to Expressing Anger:
- Stop and do nothing except to breathe. We refrain from making any move to blame or punish the other person. We simply stay quiet.
- Identify the thoughts that are making us angry.
- Connect to the needs behind those thoughts. If we judge someone to be racist, the need may be for inclusion, equality, respect, or connection.
- To fully express ourselves, we now open our mouth and speak the anger—but the anger has been transformed into needs and need-connected feelings.
- We express our own needs.
- We search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. If they are not expressing a need, but instead an opinion, judgment, or analysis, we recognize that, and continue to seek the need behind their words, the need underneath what they are saying.
- We verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs, and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words.
- We provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
- Having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.
A present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment. For example, one party might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to—” and describe the action they’d like the other party to take.
“Would you be willing to tell me how you feel about going to the show with me Saturday night?” The clearer we are regarding the response we want right now from the other party, the more effectively we move the conflict toward resolution.
In situations of conflict, it is especially important to focus on what we do want rather than what we do not want. Talking about what one doesn’t want can easily create confusion and resistance among conflicting parties.
Non–action language, such as “Give me the freedom to grow” often exacerbates conflict.
Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.
NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation:
- The actions that have contributed to our well-being.
- The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled.
- The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs.
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.