The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: How to Build Big Relationships with Small Gatherings - by Nick Gray
Date read: 2023-10-20How strongly I recommend it: 9/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)
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Excellent step-by-step instructions on how to create a well-organized and productive 2-hour cocktail party. Recommended for anyone interested in building out their network or looking for ideas on how to improve gatherings at home or at events.
Contents:
- PARTY PREP
- GUEST LIST
- NAME TAGS
- INVITING YOUR CORE GROUP
- CREATING THE INVITE
- PARTY SUPPLIES
- EARLY ARRIVALS - THE AWKWARD ZONE
- ICEBREAKERS
- ENDING THE PARTY
- REFERENCES
My Notes
Hey Derek, I'm thinking of hosting a little cocktail party on Wednesday the 8th at 7 p.m. If I do it, would you come? Can I send you some more info? Great. I'll make an RSVP page and send you more info soon. Hi again. I'm trying a new date for my cocktail party. Would Tuesday, June 14, at 7 p.m. work?
Evite Options: If you're in a rush, try Paperless Post Flyer. My personal favorite and the one I recommend to my friends is Mixily. I'm hosting a cocktail party! Super casual, meet new friends, see old ones, and have a drink on me. I'll have name tags, a few bottles of wine, whiskey, vodka, and tons of sparkling water. There'll be chips or light snacks but no formal dinner. My apartment is on the top floor of a very old building in Greenwich Village. Shoes off inside, please. It makes me happy to introduce great people and new friends. My favorite part of the night is when we do icebreakers. Have you ever been at a party and wished you could have met even more new, fun, interesting people? Name tags and icebreakers make it easy to do that. Hope to see you soon! This will be fun. Here is the event info page I just made. Will you do me a favor and click to RSVP? [EVENT LINK HERE] Would you please RSVP here real quick? Only takes a minute and helps me with getting a head count [EVENT LINK HERE]" Hi Mark, I'm getting some friends and colleagues together for a little cocktail party. Do you want to come? It'll be on Wednesday, June 8, from 7 to 9 p.m. I'm hosting it at my apartment at 1000 5th Avenue, NY NY 10028. I'd love to introduce you to a few people I think you'd hit it off with. I will have name tags and icebreakers because I'm trying to be a good host, haha. Are you free then? Or can I send you some more info? –Nick" Cesar! I'm hosting a little cocktail party on Wed, June 8, from 7 to 9p with name tags and icebreakers (haha). Would love to introduce you to a few friends and colleagues. Are you free then? Or can I send you more info?" Hi again! No reply needed if you're busy, but I wanted to make sure you saw this. Can I send you the party link for more info? It is going to be fun." I wish I could let you bring them! But my party is already full with the maximum number that I'm comfortable hosting. Part of the purpose of this party is for me to practice being a better host. More people makes it harder to manage. Is that OK? Super. This'll be fun. Here's the info page: [EVENT LINK HERE] Will you do me a favor and RSVP there so I can get a head count?" OK! Here is the info page: [EVENT LINK HERE] Please RSVP there if you can make it." Sorry to miss you. And thanks for writing back. Can I invite you to the next one?" Subject: Party next week Rob Simon works as a copywriter. He rides a scooter and recently rescued a dog. Ask him about yoga or herbal tea! Subject: Party info for Wednesday Subject: Party TONIGHT! Laura! Welcome! Oh wow, you are the first person to arrive. I am so glad you are here and that you're here first. Tonight is going to be a lot of fun." Laura, since you're here now, can you please help me with something? It would be a big help if you stand by the bar area and get drinks for the first few guests who arrive." OK everybody. What a great group of friends! Let's come over here to circle up and stand together. You all showed up early or right on time. Thank you for that. You're great. I want us to go around the circle and do a quick icebreaker so we can get a survey of who's here. Say your name, what you do for work, and what one of your favorite things to eat for breakfast is. If you don't want to talk about work, you can say something you're passionate about instead–like a hobby or charity. My name is Nick Gray. I'm the Founder of Museum Hack, a company that does renegade museum tours in New York City and at some of the best museums in America. My favorite thing to eat for breakfast is scrambled eggs with spinach, but I have a secret ingredient–I use coconut oil. Thank you. Great job everyone. We just did this icebreaker, and there are great people here and more coming soon. Go make yourself a drink, say hi to someone new, and we'll do another icebreaker in about twenty minutes. What's a great piece of media that you've consumed recently, and what did you like about it? Hey everyone! Good evening! It makes me so happy to see everyone having conversations. In about five minutes, we're going to do our last and final icebreaker of the night. I'm going to tell you the question in case you need a minute to prepare or think about it. The question will be: What's a great piece of media you consumed recently, and what did you like about it? It could be a podcast, a movie, an article, a great book, a fun reality TV show, whatever. Something that made you think or that you want to share. I'll sound my harmonica again in a few minutes to circle up, and we'll also do a group photo then. For now, grab another drink or freshen up. I'll be back in a few minutes. We're going to go around the circle again for this last round of icebreakers. Say your name, tell us again what you do for work or something you're passionate about, and then tell us about a great piece of media that you've consumed recently and what you liked about it. It could be in the last month or however long. That could be a movie, book, magazine article, TV show, etc. Something fun or that made you think or that you want to share. I'll go first... What a great group tonight. I am so happy with how things turned out. It brings me great joy to see so many of my friends talking together. But the time now is 8:50. I said that this party would go until 9:00. I'm going to respect your time because I know it's a school night, and I want you to come back when I host another party. We're going to finish up soon. There are about ten minutes left if you want to grab one more drink and say your goodbyes. Thank you all for coming. It was so great to see you. I need to wrap this party up now so I can tidy up and get my beauty rest. I'd love to catch up later. Can I message you tomorrow so we can keep talking then? Subject: Party pic + thank you Good morning!
There is a good reason why you should select a date three weeks away for your first party: it will give time to build your guest list.
Host your first party on a non-busy weeknight. Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday nights work best for me. Choose a day when most people you plan to invite are probably available. This makes it easier for them to say yes to your invitation.
Serve drinks and snacks only. Make your first party a success by keeping it simple.
Start at 7:00 p.m. and end at 9:00 p.m.
He always uses quirky start and end times like 6:57 p.m. to 9:02 p.m. It sets his parties apart from boring networking events, and I have a hunch the novelty might encourage people to show up on time.
Many people are tempted to throw parties at a bar because it seems so easy. Resist this temptation. Host your first party at a venue where you feel confident and can control as many variables as possible.
The best place to host your party is at your home. Your house or apartment is instantly personal. It's a chance to break out of your work and online identity.
Start by inviting close friends, colleagues, and neighbors.
Any time you host an event, always invite your core group first. These are your reliable and supportive friends and colleagues.
After you get five confirmations from people in your core group, you can begin to cast a wider net of party attendees, like other work colleagues and friends.
For your first party, aim for fifteen confirmed guests. If you want fifteen people to come to your party, you'll need to invite twenty to thirty people total.
Don't start your hosting journey by inviting people who intimidate you or who you badly want to impress. Focus your guest list now on friends and colleagues. When your first party is a low-stakes affair, you'll avoid the stress of trying to impress VIP guests. Invite them later after this first practice party.
For bonus points, provide them with a little script like this to make it easy to share: I'd like to ask a favor: Will you help me out and bring a friend or colleague to my party? You can send them this message: "My friend Nick is hosting a cocktail party on Wednesday the 8th at 7 p.m. It will be fun! May I share your info with him to send you the information?"
Follow up a few days later to ask each person in your core group who they are going to bring. It is important to ask them to "bring a friend," not just "invite a friend." When you explicitly state that you want them to bring someone, it implies you want them to follow through.
When I throw a party, I focus on adding occupational diversity to my guest list. I invite friends who work in banking, dancing, and education in addition to those in museums, technology, and marketing.
Choose the communication channel that's right for your relationship. I send casual texts to my friends and maybe a slightly more polite email to colleagues.
Make your invitation messages short and personal. Long party invites feel inauthentic and boilerplate. They're too formal. Err on the side of brevity. Be direct and light.
Core Group Invitation Script:
You'll send out your party invites in two separate rounds: first to your core group, and then later to a broader cross section of contacts which are your great guests.
If they reply with a yes, you'll send them a link to RSVP. You'll create this link after you get five yes replies. For now, just write back and say:
Your goal is to receive five yes confirmations. For the purposes of counting here, consider any maybe response as a no.
Q: How long should I wait for responses from my core group?
A: One or two days. If you haven't heard back, and if you don't yet have five yes responses, message them again. I send a short note like this: "Hi! Any thoughts on that date for my party? If you still don't hear back, assume they are a no."
If you don't get enough confirmations for your current date & time:
Here's a sample event description I've used for my events:
Enable the setting on your event platform to show guest names who have RSVP'd.
Sign up and RSVP for your own party as a final confirmation. Use a real email address to check the messages your guests will receive.
Now that your party page is complete, the crucial next step is to message each person in your core group who said yes. Ask them to RSVP on the event page you just published.
I reply to their last message like this:
Message to guests who have said yes but have not RSVP'd:
If they respond no: ask if you can invite them the next time you host an event. If they say yes, make your next party list and add them to it. I use a simple spreadsheet to help track this.
Here's exactly what I send via email to invite a great guest:
For a shorter and more informal text message version of this, I send:
If you haven't heard back in three days, send a friendly message like this:
Ask their plus-one to RSVP on your event page. It will set their expectations and allow you to include them in your reminder messages.
How to say no to guests who want to bring a +1 but you don't have room:
Yes Reply:
Maybe Reply:
No Reply:
Try to get fifteen people to RSVP.
Now is a courteous time to tell your neighbors that you'll be hosting a small gathering. Give them a heads up that you're expecting visitors and from what times.
The Three Reminder Messages:
Use email or the messaging tools built into your event platform to send your reminders.
Example email:
I like to attach a funny GIF, meme, or group photo from one of my previous parties. This keeps the reminder message fun.
Hey everyone, ONE WEEK AWAY!
The party is next week on Wednesday, June 8, 2022, from 7-9 p.m. It is shaping up to be lots of fun. Looking forward to seeing you all.
As a reminder, here is the page you RSVP'd on: [EVENT LINK HERE]
A guest bio is a short summary about someone. It could include professional or personal information–or both. For example:
Include bios for at least half of your group or eight of your guests, whichever is larger. Err on the side of including more people rather than less. Start with your core group and add other guests who you know well or are excited about.
Example email:
Look at this great group of people!
A few friends who are coming to my Cocktails and Icebreakers party are listed below.
Date: Wednesday, June 8, 2022
Time: 7:00-9:00 p.m.
Location: my apartment
at 1000 5th Avenue, NY NY 10028
**shoes off inside, so wear nice socks if you want
More info: the event page where you RSVP'd is here [EVENT LINK HERE]
My phone number is +1-212-555-5555 -- Nick
Guest bios for Wednesday night
Rob Simon works as a copywriter. He rides a scooter and recently rescued a dog...
[additional guest bios here]
...plus a few more great people!
One of the reasons I'm hosting this party is to introduce my friends and colleagues. (The other is to have an excuse to wear my new red socks.) Perhaps these fun facts will inspire you to strike up a new conversation.
See you soon
–Nick
Send one final message to your guests on the morning of your party. Copy the last message you sent three days before your party to use as a template. Then update the subject line and add a fresh introduction to express your excitement.
Use this message to inform guests of any important details–for example, directions to your home or any special instructions. Provide guests with your phone number in case they need to contact you with last-minute questions or directions.
Example email:
Wow. Great people are coming.
I've got some liquor, wine, and lots of seltzer.
Plus a few salty snacks.
I'm pretty sure that's all we need
Time: 7:00-9:00 p.m.
Location: my apartment at 1000 5th Avenue, NY NY 10028
**buzz #5 outside, then buzz #5 again
**shoes off inside, so wear nice socks if you want
More info: the event page where you RSVP'd is here [EVENT LINK HERE]
My phone number is +1-212-555-5555 -- Nick
Guest bios, people you'll meet tonight
Rob Simon works as a copywriter. He rides a scooter and recently rescued a dog...
[additional guest bios here]
...plus a few more fun folks.
See you tonight!
–Nick
If you're using email, blind carbon copy (BCC) everybody who has said yes or maybe to your RSVP.
Q: How do I answer the guest who asks, "Is there anything I can bring?"
A: I never ask guests to bring anything because I want to make it as easy as possible for people to attend. But if they offer, I say: "Thank you so much for offering. It is totally not necessary to bring anything. But if you're feeling inspired: a bottle of something you'd like to drink would be great."
Here are a few items I consider essential:
Name tags:
Alcohol:
Snacks:
Supplies:
Stay away from the red plastic cups beloved by American college frat parties. Those cups are unprofessional and ugly. Instead, use clear cups that hold around ten ounces (300 mL). Purchase them in packs of fifty or a hundred. You'll have extras for your next party.
Leave two Sharpie markers near the bar and ask your guests to write their names on their cups. If someone is helping with the bar, tell them to write people's names on the cups before they pour a drink since it's nearly impossible to write with marker on a slightly wet plastic cup.
Remove large bath towels from your bathroom and leave only small hand towels.
Music is essential to hosting in your home. It fills the silence and builds atmosphere, especially when there are only a few guests at your party.
Make a few handwritten messages to provide directions and motivation to your guests as they approach your party. Tape them somewhere visible: on your mailbox, door, or stairs leading to your home.
Example Party Schedule:
Ask two trusted friends to arrive fifteen minutes early. They can help you set up and welcome guests.
How to welcome early guests:
Do: welcome your guests exuberantly and celebrate their arrival.
Don't: apologize for a lack of other attendees.
Next, delegate some functions of the party to your early arrivals. Enlist them to help you make the party a success. For example, I often get someone to help me serve drinks. But I'm not asking them to tend bar all night. I'm giving them a way to contribute and connect with new arrivals.
Example of assigning a duty to an early guest:
Certain guests may not wish to carry out any task. If it happens, don't try to force them. Say, "No worries. Let's just hang out. Make yourself at home." Then ask someone else to help you.
Other types of early guest delegations:
The Awkward Zone normally ends after four or five guests arrive and you start your first icebreaker for early arrivals.
The harmonica serves to gracefully get the attention of the group to start your icebreakers.
Good icebreakers are like a short survey of the party where everyone gets to see the results in real time. Each guest broadcasts who they are and finds out more about the other people present. You get to quickly "meet" and learn about everyone in the room.
For a party that starts at 7:00 p.m., do icebreakers at approximately 7:10, 7:40, and 8:20 p.m.
Everyone will answer these three questions for each round of icebreakers:
Ask your guests to gather in a circle. Have everyone say their name, their profession, and what one of their favorite things is to eat for breakfast.
You'll use this same icebreaker twice: first to practice with your four or five early arrivals, then approximately twenty-five minutes later with the whole party.
Here are three other options:
Facilitating the 1st icebreaker:
Have everyone come together and stand in a circle. Then introduce the first icebreaker:
You'll go first in answering the icebreaker. But first, look to the person to your left or right and ask for their permission to go next in the sequence by saying, "I'll go first, and then can I go to you?" If they agree, say again: Great. So, I'll go first, and then I'll go to you, and we'll go around the circle in that same direction.
Example:
If a guest arrives in the middle of an icebreaker, bring them into the circle and have the new person go last. Get them a name tag afterward.
Say this to facilitate the transition out of icebreakers:
Do two beginner icebreakers (same questions) and then one advanced icebreaker at your party. No more, no less. Stop for icebreakers approximately every thirty minutes. Set a timer to remind yourself.
Jay Irwin from Brooklyn chose to modify his beginner icebreaker question by asking people to name their favorite vice.
You'll use one advanced icebreaker as your third and final icebreaker. Start it about forty minutes before the end of your party.
My favorite advanced icebreaker and the one I recommend you use is:
Forty-five minutes before your party is scheduled to end, sound your harmonica, and give the group a warning that it is almost icebreaker time:
Turn the music volume back up for a song or two as the group shuffles about. Five minutes later, start your last icebreaker. Bring the group together again in a circle. Take a quick group photo. Then remind them of the icebreaker question and in which way it will go around the circle.
Guests repeat their name and occupation again, even if they did so at the last icebreaker. Repeating these things helps to remind others and create new connections for any late arrivals:
Alternative advanced icebreaker questions:
A great time to take a group photo is immediately after you form the circle for your advanced icebreaker.
To get everyone together for a picture, I hold my phone up and say "I want to take a quick group photo! Everyone look this way because I'm taking a selfie." I say this smiling and with high energy. I usually take a selfie so that it is quick and fun. If someone doesn't want to be in the picture, I ask them to take the group photo with my phone. Then we begin the last icebreaker.
"I'm so happy to have you all here. The reason I like to do these icebreakers is that I want you all to meet and talk to more people at my party. Maybe you'll hear something neat that inspires you to strike up a new conversation. Now, I'll go first..."
Always ask your guests to stand for icebreakers. Remove chairs if needed and ask anyone who is sitting and is able to stand and join the circle.
If you're worried about cutting someone off, you can toot your harmonica and say something like "Ten seconds left!" while they're speaking. Giving them time to wrap up sounds more like an expression of a universal rule and less like a personal attack.
"Tell us your name, what you do for work, and [icebreaker here]. If you don't want to talk about work, share something that you're really passionate about, like a hobby or charity you love."
Other ways to ask about work:
Resist the urge to let your first party run late. This is a common new-host tendency and easy mistake to make.
If your party is still going strong when it is time to end, give your guests the name and address of a nearby restaurant or bar. Suggest they go there to continue their conversations.
Ten minutes before your party is scheduled to end, give your guests notice that you plan to end the party soon. Make a last call for alcohol. I turn down the music, sound my party harmonica, and then say this:
Then I keep the music turned down and begin tidying my apartment as a cue that it's time to start wrapping up conversations.
How to deal with stragglers:
Set an alarm or reminder for twenty minutes after the scheduled end of the party. Use this as an excuse to ask people to leave if you get trapped in conversation.
Send a short message to your guests via email (BCC) or using your event platform. Thank them for coming. Include the group photo that you took:
Host every six to eight weeks to keep momentum and develop your relationships. Some people use their positive momentum to set the date for their next party right away. Others prefer to wait a few weeks before going back into party planning mode.
Thank you for coming last night. Our group photo is attached.
Getting everyone together like that really made me happy. Can I invite you to the next one?