Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection - By Charles Duhigg

Date read: 2024-06-14
How strongly I recommend it: 6/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)

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How to get past the surface level questions like, "what do you do?" and "where do you live?" to connect better with those you meet. Good advice in the beginning but it tended to become redundant towards the second half. But good read for anyone who is beginning to network and wants to improve their communication skills.

My Notes

To communicate with someone, we must connect with them. When we absorb what someone is saying, and they comprehend what we say, it’s because our brains have, to some degree, aligned. At that moment, our bodies—our pulses, facial expressions, the emotions we experience, the prickling sensation on our necks and arms—often start to synchronize as well.

High centrality participants tended to ask ten to twenty times as many questions as other participants.

The next time you feel yourself edging toward an argument, try asking your partner: “Do you want to talk about our emotions? Or do we need to make a decision together? Or is this about something else?”

The matching principle: Effective communication requires recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring, and then matching each other. On a very basic level, if someone seems emotional, allow yourself to become emotional as well. If someone is intent on decision making, match that focus. If they are preoccupied by social implications, reflect their fixation back to them.

Be aware of what type of conversation is occurring. Asking a spouse, as he describes a hard day, “Do you want me to suggest some solutions, or do you just need to vent?”

Quiet Negotiation: A subtle give-and-take over which topics we’ll dive into and which we’ll skirt around; the rules for how we’ll speak and listen.

The first goal of this negotiation is determining what everyone wants from a conversation. These desires are often revealed via a series of offers and counteroffers, invitations and refusals, that are nearly subconscious but expose if people are willing to play along.

The second goal in this negotiation is to figure out the rules for how we will speak, listen, and make decisions together. We don’t always explicitly state these rules aloud. Rather, we conduct experiments to see which norms will stick.

In many conversations, there’s a surface topic—but also a deeper, more meaningful subject that, when we bring it into the light, reveals what everyone wants most from the conversation. Don't ask directly, "what do you want?" Instead, ask open-ended questions such as "How does X make you feel?"

How will we make decisions together? What are the rules for this dialogue?

Frequently, the best way to figure out those rules is by testing out various conversational approaches, and seeing how others react. For instance, negotiators often conduct experiments—first I’ll interrupt you, and then I’ll be polite, and then I’ll bring up a new topic or make an unexpected concession, and watch what you do—until everyone decides, together, which norms are accepted, and how this conversation should unfold. These experiments can take the form of proposals or solutions, or unanticipated suggestions or new topics that are suddenly introduced. In each case, the goal is the same: To see if this probe reveals a path forward. “Great negotiators are artists,” said Michele Gelfand, a professor at Stanford’s business school. “They take conversations in unexpected directions.”

Are we going to make decisions through analysis and reason, or through empathy and narratives?

Analysis and Reason - Lean into data and reasoning.

Empathetic - Lean into stories and compassion.

In the moments before a conversation starts, it’s useful to describe for yourself: What are two topics you might discuss? (Being general is okay: Last night’s game and TV shows you like) What is one thing you hope to say? What is one question you will ask?

Advanced Question Prep Level 2 - What are two topics you most want to discuss? What is one thing you hope to say that shows what you want to talk about? What is one question you will ask that reveals what others want?

How to invite someone to start a certain discussion (aka, negotiating) - Asking about someone’s beliefs or values (“How’d you decide to become a teacher?”) Asking someone to make a judgment (“Are you glad you went to law school?”) Asking about someone’s experiences (“What was it like to visit Europe?”).

If you want to connect with someone, ask them what they are feeling, and then reveal your own emotions.

You just have to ask them to describe how they feel about their life—rather than the facts of their life—and then ask lots of follow-ups. For example, “What do you like about where you live?” Or “What was your favorite part of college?”

Ask others about their beliefs and values. Ask them about experiences and those moments that caused them to change. Ask how they feel, rather than about facts. Reframe your questions so they are deeper. Ask follow-ups. And as people expose their vulnerabilities, reveal something about yourself.

Happy couples, for instance, spent a lot of time controlling their own emotions. They would take breaks when they felt themselves growing angry. They worked hard to calm down through deep breathing, or by writing down how they were feeling rather than shouting it, or by falling back on habits—using “I statements”; reciting a list of what they loved about each other; bringing up happy memories—that they had practiced during less angry times. They tended to speak more slowly, so they could stop, midsentence, if something came out harsher than they intended. They were more likely to defuse tensions by changing the subject or making jokes. “Happy couples slow down the fight,” said Karney. “They exert a lot more self-control and self-awareness.”

One advantage of focusing on these three things—controlling oneself, the environment, and the boundaries of the conflict—is that it allowed happy spouses to find things they could control together.

It’s crucial, in a Who Are We? conversation, to remind ourselves that we all possess multiple identities: We are parents but also siblings; experts in some topics and novices in others; friends and coworkers and people who love dogs but hate to jog.

This means that a Who Are We? discussion might need to be more meandering and exploratory. Or it might need to go deep and invite others to talk about where they come from, how they see themselves, how the prejudices they confront—racism, sexism, the expectations of parents and communities—have impacted their lives.

In a Who Are We? conversation, invite people to talk about their backgrounds, allegiances, how their communities have shaped them. (“Where are you from? Oh, really? What was it like growing up there?”) Then, reciprocate by describing how you see yourself. (“You know, as a southerner, I think that…”) Finally, avoid the trap of one-dimensionality by evoking all the many identities we all possess as a conversation unfolds: “I hear you saying that, as a lawyer, you support the police, but as a parent, do you worry about cops pulling over your kid?”

What is needed for a successful Who Are We? conversation:

1. Try to draw out your conversational partners’ multiple identities. It’s important to remind everyone that we all contain multitudes; none of us is one-dimensional. Acknowledging those complexities during a conversation helps disrupt the stereotypes within our heads.


2. Try to ensure everyone is on equal footing. Don’t offer unsolicited advice or trumpet your wealth or connections. Seek out topics where everyone has some experience and knowledge, or everyone is a novice. Encourage the quiet to speak and the talkative to listen, so everyone is participating.


3. Look for social similarities that already exist. We do this naturally when we meet someone new and start searching for people we know in common. But it is important to take those connections a step further and make our commonalities more salient.