That's What She Said: What Men Need to Know (And Women Need to Tell Them) About Working Together - by Joanne Lipman

Date read: 2018-12-30
How strongly I recommend it: 5/10
(See my list of 150+ books, for more.)

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This is one of those cases where a newspaper article was made into a book. Not enough substance and too many examples. There are a few gems in here but not worth reading the entire book.

My Notes

Little girls learn to play with other girls by collaborating, while boys learn to play with other boys by trying to one-up each other.

Visit any meeting, at any company, anywhere in the world, on any given day, and you'll find tho same scenario. Men dominate. Women often don't speak at all, or self-censor, or tentatively pose statements as questions. Women who do speak up are interrupted or ignored. If they do manage to get an idea out before being shut down, a guy inevitably will grab credit.

One survey asked more than three thousand professional and college-age women what lessons they were taught growing up. Topping the list: "be nice to others," "be a good student," "be respectful to authorities/elders," and "be helpful." At the bottom? "Be a good leader," "make a difference in society," "master a skill," and "share your point of view."

When he realized that female writers were constantly being interrupted by their male counterparts, he came up with a new rule: No interrupting during prepared presentations. For anyone. The idea wasn't to coddle women; it was to make sure the best ideas got surfaced, and the worst were summarily killed.

At every level, women are 15 percent less likely than men to be promoted. In part that's because men get promoted on the basis of their potential, but women are promoted only if they've proven themselves with past performance.

Psychologists have found that the more fervently you believe yourself to be fair - or generous, or caring - the less likely you are to act that way. You believe you are, so you see no cause for concern. There's nothing for you to fix. Researchers have found that the industries that consider themselves the most meritocratic, like science, are also the most frequently biased.

Companies that introduced diversity training would actually employ more women and blacks today if the had never had diversity training at all.

For most men in a room, respect is a given. Women, though, often feel the opposite: that they're treated as if they don't know what they're talking about until they prove otherwise. And women are just as likely to show less respect towared other women.

One study found that male-led banks were six to seven times more likely to fail during the financial crisis than those led by women.

Women who self-promote are considered more competent than those who don't, but commanding that respect comes at a steep price: people don't like them. That's a handicap that doesn't apply to men who self-promote.

Three separate studies found that when professional men get angry in a work context, they are accorded greater respect by others. But when women get angry, they receive less respect.

A Federal Reserve Bank of New York study found that a company's poor performance is attributed more to female leaders than male leaders, while its success is attributed more to the men.

How to motivate men to care about the issue: do not "scold" or try to catch men in a "gotcha" moment.

Men are four times more likely than women to ask for a raise - and when women do ask, we typically request 30 percent less than men do.

Guys who are rejected typcially believe that they are right and whoever rejected them is wrong. Women, on the other hand, take rejection as a deeply personal flaw that they must work to overcome.

I often advise women to imagine that they are advocating for someone else when putting themselves forward for a promotion or a raise. Think of yourself in the third person.

Men are far more likely than women to raise their hands for a bigger job, whether they're ready for it or not. If a job opening hase five criteria, a woman with four of them won't apply - but a guy will have one of the five and will say, "Give the job to me!"

Support from supervisors, that feeling that someone has their back, is a critical factor. Without it, women are not only less likely to raise their hands, they are less likely to be in consideration for promotion.

Women's mentors typically offer advice. But men's champions act as sponsors, with the power to get men promotions and new jobs. There's a world of difference between mentors and sponsors.

A job listing that uses the words and phrases such as "proven track record," "hard-driving," "rock star," or even "extremely" is more likely to attract men, while phrases like "a passion for learning" attracts women.

Working women in the U.S. actually have a disincentive to have kids. The more children we have, the less we are worth to employers.

Re: promotions or new roles: Don't decide for her. Let her make that choice on her own. To my bosses' credit, they never made assumptions about me. Instead they said, "Here's an opportunity. You decide if you want to take it."

When it came to self-esteem and a woman's estimation of how she was performing, a boss's praise is more meaningful than even a raise or a promotion.

Women's mistakes are noticed more, and remembered longer, than those of men.

Senior women are so scarce that they are often tapped to sit on every committee, to represent their organizations at conferences, to be the public face for recruiting, and to mentor other women. All of which prevents these women from acutally doing their jobs.